Wednesday, 1 May 2013

It will be fine as long as you stay single  

I don't know where to start. Sometimes someone truly amazing just turns up in your life and for me you are that person. I don't know why I think you are so amazing but I really do! 
I've never met anyone quite like you before. Hahaha when I first met you I never dreamed that you would have such a huge impact on me.
I remember picking you up on our first date.As you walked towards the car I thought you looked kind of cute, a bit skinny and dressed like a teenager...must have been the trainers and hoody! 
In the pub we seemed to be able to chat quite easily. The thing that really struck me was your smile and there was something about your voice. When I dropped you off you lent forward and gave me the gentlest of kisses right on the lips. I could feel your breath. It was so lovely........then you said " do you smoke? " and I could have died of embarrassment.  We only dated for a couple of months and I have to be honest I knew it wasn't going anywhere. We got on well enough, it was ok, sex was ok,  well it was all ok but it was obvious you weren't really that into me. I remember ringing you and saying perhaps we should call it a day didn't seem bothered but we agreed to stay friends.
I always had the feeling that I'd never be quite right for you...I imagined you'd want some perfect, skinny , sporty, health freak...oh and I'd always be way too old.
What really took me by surprise was that I really did miss you.  I wanted you to help me sell some stuff on eBay and when I went to yours I couldn't believe the feeling I had when I saw you again. When you told me you were seeing someone I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I don't know, maybe we always want what we can't have.
Over the next few months we just seemed to slip into a routine  meals, getting takeaways and just spending time together. You told me you weren't still seeing anyone so I forgot about it.
  I felt that I could tell you anything. You are one of the few people who knows about my bipolar and doesn't judge me for it.  You really helped me and just seemed to be in tune with my feelings. 
You never did anything to lead me on, well not directly but I always thought something might happen. Sometimes I got the feeling though, that you didn't want people to know how close we were. I still do. I think you are quite a private person so I make that your excuse. 
I'll never forget the day I bumped into her. I was distraught. I just never in a million years thought you had been seeing someone again. I felt so shit. I felt old, ugly and just plain fucking could I ever compete with one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Beautiful and a lovely person too. She told me you weren't still seeing each other. I wanted to think badly of you but I just couldn't . You told me that you probably got on better with me than her and that gave me a bit of hope. I do think you consciously kept it from me, and her. You knew damn well we knew each other. Sometimes you make out you are clueless when you bloody well are not!  Having said that I don't for one minute think you did it out of malice. I like to think its because you didn't want to hurt me. 
So we just carried on again.....I'm sure I made a fool of myself by trying it on and getting turned down. I  do blame you a little knew I had feelings for you yet you kept our friendship going. I don't know when I decided I loved you. I still don't know if I "love you" or if I'm " in love" with you. I'm not even sure if there is any difference. I think you can love someone and be just friends. We really are like a couple....without the sex. I suppose I can't make you fancy me and I guess by now I've come to terms with the fact we will only ever be friends. I think our friendship is more important than anything else. It will change on the outside if either of us meet someone else but no one can break the bond of a true friendship. There's not much you don't know about me and not much I don't share with you. You are my male best friend and now I know where I stand......I'm happy with that !!! 

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