Thursday 2 May 2013

My Son.....a heroin addict

So on Mothers Day I didn't even get a text. I wasn't expecting a card or present...just a few words to let me know everything was ok would have made me happy. For all I knew he could have been dead.
Writing about my son has to be the hardest thing. 
I loved him from the second I knew I was pregnant. I wasn't in a position to have a baby but he was all I ever wanted. Maybe I was being selfish, I don't know, but he was my number one priority.
I know all Mums say it but he really was the most beautiful baby. Even though I was a single mother with no money I found it easy and such a joy. I didn't worry about a thing.
He never caused me any grief until he went to the senior school. He changed from happy go lucky to moody. I thought it was just normal teenage angst and even though he didn't do bugger all at school the fact he never got into any real trouble made me think he was just a normal teenage boy.
When he got his first job fixing caravans I was as  proud as any mother. Ok, so it wasn't the best job in the world but it was a start. He wasn't lazy like some of his friends.
I never noticed anything to make me suspect he was using drugs until he lost his job and I found the letter saying why....moody, bad time- keeping, lazy. He told me he occasionally smoked a bit of weed and I believed it. I thought that was ok and thats what they all did at that age.In hindsight I should have done something then....what, I have no idea. 
He went through more jobs and phases of being up and down. I sometimes think he's probably got bipolar like me but at that time it wasn't something I knew or even thought about.
I remember when he came home one night. He was about twenty. I could always tell when he wanted to talk to me. I went and sat on his bed and he just started sobbing. He said he'd been using cocaine and he couldn't stop it. I had no idea what to do but I promised I'd help.
I sat up all night on the Internet. By morning I thought I was an expert and he'd decided that he didn't have a problem after all.
 I rang FRANK ...what a waste of time. I rang the charity called Open Road and got an appointment to go and see them. My ex did come but under duress. They were nice enough but they couldn't tell me what to do. All they kept saying was that the more help we gave him the more we were enabling him to do drugs. I tried NEEDAS , the NHS drug advisory service. They were even less helpful. He had to go to them himself or they were powerless. I tried the police and they couldn't do a thing either. 
Time went on and he seemed ok , so I put it down to a phase. How stupid.When he was ok he was the loveliest most charming, hard working and polite young man. People liked him, they still do. Sometimes I suspected something but couldn't prove it so hoped it would go away. When he was 23 things started to become obvious. He was skinny, moody and not himself. Things started to go missing. My Nan's ring, my exes wedding ring, money. His boss started complaining and sacked him. He admitted to me that he'd moved on to heroin. I was devastated. 
My beautiful boy was addicted to the most devastating evil drug there is. 
This time he said he wanted help. I took him to NEEDAS but they couldn't get him an appointment for three days. What came next was the most shocking thing I've ever heard. They advised me to buy him heroin until he could be seen. Me having to buy my own son heroin. I did it and it was one of the worst things I've ever done in my entire life. 
So started the cycle of going on and off drugs. There's so much more to it than I want to say right now. It's been so complicated. Trying to get him into rehab, him not wanting to, using one substitute or another. It's been going on for four years. He's on methadone now, which in my eyes is as bad as heroin. I don't think the system has really helped him, yet he has to take responsibility for his own actions. He still uses heroin. Me being ill probably didn't help him but I really did try my best. I've offered to pay to get him into rehab but unless he's ready and willing it will be a waste.
He lives with his girlfriend, who I suspect uses drugs too. They live in a tip, with no jobs and no money. I help where I can but I have to let them get on with it. He's not a child anymore. 
He is not a bad person. He's not scum like some of them and some really are despicable. He wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone.  I know he loves me... I can see it in his face. I still love him and though I
don't really understand, I know its nothing to do with me. I don't blame him. He had the same chances as every other kid, if not more. Something inside must make a person become an addict. It just breaks my heart that he will probably die before I do if he doesn't do something soon.

If I could swap places with him and give him a life, I really would.

Some people might think I'm wrong for putting this on here. Maybe I am but I guess I'm hoping he'll read it one day and it will shock him into doing something. I don't know. 



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