Friday, 3 May 2013

 I've got no idea what I'm on about today.

Please dont think I'm trying for the sympathy vote...I'm really not. I'm just trying to explain. In general people dont really understand that its a constant battle to keep well when you've got something like bipolar.They look at me and think "oh shes ok now" and then get shocked when I have a little blip. When I was in hospital I thought my life was over. I thought I'd lost everything that was worth having in life. I dont feel like that now. I've managed to get myself back to a point where I can have a life thats actually worth living but it still takes effort. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here...most people don't understand. I have got to be careful, I cant afford to let myself get ill again which is why I need to think about what I do nearly all of the time.
 Sometimes I am a bit of a loud mouth , stupid cow. I know I act like an idiot. I'm forever saying things then wishing I could " unsay" it.Sometimes I cringe when I think about it.  I go on a bit and start talking crap...I cant seem to stop it. I often talk to random people and I know they are probably looking at me and thinking " nutter". Its because when I've got a lot going on and when I'm a bit emotionally charged I get this thing called "racing thoughts", another one of the joys of Bipolar. Its difficult to explain but its probably no different to anyone when they've got a lot going on in their head just maybe a lot more intense. Its like I'm constantly talking in my head and cant be quiet. I get all this random stuff racing around and it is pretty draining. Its hard to concentrate and virtually impossible to switch off. I do find it helpful to just write stuff down.  I've already written a novel virtually...then deleted it. I've got post it notes all over the flat too...its quite funny when I read what's on them, sometimes a bit sad too. The thing is I know whats going on and am dealing with it. Its when I don't realise it that it becomes a major problem.
 Providing I try and stay on it I can keep myself well....take my medication, don't drink or do drugs, eat properly, get enough sleep, live like a saint! Yawn. The thing is though, I don't always realise I'm not so good until I'm better ! Then I worry about what I was like. 
I'm not sure if I've just written a load of twaddle or something quite sensible.

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