Saturday, 11 May 2013

Is beauty only skin deep?

If you're with someone, as you get older you just accept the way they change. My ex had varicose veins, a big belly and eczema on his hands, hehehe. He didn't have those things when I met him but because I loved him it didn't seem to matter. It's different when you're single . If I met a guy with a fat gut I probably wouldn't even get to know him because it would be a turn off straight away. I guess that makes me a bit shallow. 
Same with me. Running around naked even though I've got cellulite and stretch marks ( lol and a list of other things) never bothered me with my ex and he never seemed worried. I wouldn't dare go naked in front of anyone else. It has to be dim lights and sexy undies! 
It's only in the last few months that ageing has really bothered me. When I look in the mirror I feel that all the trauma of the past 5 years has really taken its toll. When I was forty I was probably the fittest I'd been in my entire life. I felt good and when I looked in the mirror it made me smile. I know I was pretty manic at that time so maybe I wasn't as great as I thought. I guess how I perceive myself relates to my moods too..... its always been from one extreme to another. I doubt that's much different to most women. That's one good thing about being a bit high, I don't worry about wrinkles and jiggly bits....because I'm bloody lovely! Lol. 
  Of course when I'm down, every little flaw is a major defect in my's a pretty miserable state to be in. I try not to even go anywhere near a mirror, let alone look in it. I feel ugly and unattractive. Every single bit of myself has something wrong.
I'm sure that when I get done up to go out I probably look pretty good for my age. People tell me I look younger and if I catch it right can look quite attractive. It's when you strip it all bare that it exposes the flaws. 
Nature has a nasty side. Just as we get older and start feeling more confident and at ease with ourselves she starts chipping away at it, making us start to feel self conscious and vulnerable just like when we were young. 
I guess you can't  stop the ageing process. All you can do is make the best of what you've got. I admire women who are "comfortable in their own skin". I wish I could be like that all of the time and not just when I'm high. 
Still, when it really comes down to it, it's what's inside that matters most. 

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