Someone wrote a comment on my last blog post. She said "you're not dying of cancer you're living with cancer".
That really resonated with me and I've tried to keep that in my mind. How things are at the moment, no one, not even the consultants can predict how things will pan out. Until I'm told "you're cured" or "sorry there's nothing we can do" ...then I am living with cancer and I have to get used to it and try not to think too far ahead.
I had my appointment last week with the thoracic surgeon. He said the lung nodule is most likely a metastasis from the colon cancer but there is a possibility it could be lung cancer. That would be bad luck having two separate cancers. They can't biopsy it so won't know until its removed.
He said he could remove it now if I wanted but that because of the position of it he'd have to remove half my lung and it would be major surgery because he can't get to it without opening me right up.
He couldn't guarantee that it would be curative as he said there is a chance that there are more spots that can't be seen on scans at the moment. I'd lose 25% of my lung capacity through surgery and then if more spots did appear it might be more difficult to treat. He didn't think radiation is an option because that could damage the nerves because of where it is.
He suggested that chemotherapy might be a better treatment option but I'd have to discuss that with the oncologist.
The other option is to leave it for now and watch it closely. He said it could take months for it to grow to a size where it causes symptoms and that I could have the surgery at any time and it would be the same outcome whatever size it is.
He suggested that as my spinal stenosis is the thing that's causing me the most problems now, that I have that surgery asap and once I've recovered from that look at the options again. Basically he couldn't predict the outcome but it's not likely to go away and I will have to have treatment at some point but it doesn't have to be done right now. I think they want to make sure there isn't any cancer lurking anywhere else.
I've decided there's no point in having major lung surgery if there's no guarantee it's going to cure me. I'll be monitored by the colorectal and lung multidisciplinary teams and have regular scans. Who knows really but I'm going to go with my gut feeling and get my back done.
I had an appointment with the Orthopaedic surgeon this week and he's given the go ahead. I have my operation on 5th April. I've been waiting for over a year for this and while the thought of more major surgery is daunting I'm hoping it will give me a new lease of life. I've lost my motivation for just about everything lately. I try to get out and do things but its hard work and exhausting. If I can be pain free and get fitter, I'm sure it will make anything else I might have to deal with much easier.
I did get backlash from my last blog. I had messages accusing me of enjoying playing the victim, telling me how I've ruined people's lives, asking me to "prove" I'm not lying. I've had people trying to make me feel guilty. I've had it all really. It's been horrible. I've had to block certain people and I've deleted everything to do with him but it's virtually impossible to get him out of my mind and I feel like I have a huge gap in my life. I don't get any joy in conflict. When I get upset I have to remind myself of all the lies. I guess it will get easier with time. I need to concentrate on myself now.
So, even though it's been a tough time and I've still got a lot to face, there are some real positives.....I'm definitely not about to peg it any day soon. So "living" is what I'm doing !