Woe Is Me !

It's been weeks since my last blog. I was hoping the next blog I wrote was going to be full of positives and good news. Wishful thinking. I'm so fed up right now and unmotivated, even though I'm trying my hardest not to be. Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself, which isn't the best of moods but sometimes it all gets to me. Sometimes I just wonder what the fuck have I done to deserve all the crap life keeps throwing my way.
So, this week, over a year after being told I needed it, I should have had my spinal surgery. I can't say I was looking forward to more major surgery but I'd psyched myself up for it and was looking forward to getting fitter and hopefully being pain free. I was hoping to get at least one health problem sorted and get back to some sort of normality. I don't think I'm ever going to get back to normality. I can't even remember what that means. Maybe there's no such thing.
Instead my surgery was cancelled the day before. Cancelled due to my thyroid levels being too high, making it too dangerous to go under anaesthetic. I have Graves disease which is an overactive thyroid. It's  been in remission for months but has now come back with a vengeance. I don't know why. They say stress can trigger it. It's not been the easiest of times so stress is unavoidable really. Graves disease is a bastard and can cause all sorts of problems. I've gone back on medication, which I hate but can't avoid. It's not working very quickly. My back operation is on hold until the Graves is under control. I've no idea how long that will take.
I'd been feeling ok. I never feel 100% but I was alright. I have a high pain threshold and I've sort of got used to illness. Everyone keeps telling me I look well ! Obviously they're not here first thing in the morning before hair and makeup!
I had a feeling something wasn't quite right a few weeks ago but it's hard when you have so many things wrong to know what symptoms belong to what.
Is it the Bipolar? Is it the Graves? Is it the Cancer? Is it to do with my spine? Is it my heart? Is it nothing and I'm being a hypochondriac? Do I ignore it or do I tell someone? It all seems to mingle into one. 

My mood is all over the place, I feel ridiculously tired, my skin is dry and itchy and my hair ... it's like straw! I can cope with all sorts but my hair is really getting to me which may seem shallow but I cant help it. Basically I feel a wreck. I'm seeing the Endocrinologist next week so hopefully he can work out what to do. 

What I'm really worried about is that I've missed the window of opportunity to get my back done. I'm worried that when I have my next Colonoscopy and CT scan at the end of this month, something will show up and it will be too late. I can't seem to get out of this negative thinking. I'm worried that the Graves has flared up because of the cancer. I'm getting on my own nerves at the moment.... I just seem to be moaning !
I try to get out and do things but some days lately it's all too much like hard work. I'm tired and I've lost my enthusiasm. I plan something then I haven't got the oomph to do it. Even taking Libby out is a chore. I used to take my camera everywhere and I've even lost my enthusiasm with that. I try not to bang on about it and bring other people down. I try to carry on smiling and making jokes. Sometimes that works and for a while everything seems ok.

I wrote all that last night and I've just read it back ...what a miserable  cow! I need to turn it around and think of some positives.
Of course there are plenty of positives. 

It's not all been doom and gloom over the last few weeks.

 My son was staying to look after Libby and be here to help after my op, so he stayed anyway for a few days, which was really lovely as we don't get that much time together. 

I've had some great days out with friends.

I went to my granddaughter's birthday party.

I still manage to get out every day with my dog Libby.

I still have my parents and even though I don't get to see them as much as I'd like I can speak to them whenever I want.
I've got so many friends and my sisters helping me out. I know that I've got people I can call on if I need help.

For some Facebook is superficial but it's been a lifeline for me and I've connected with some amazing people. 

I've made some really good friends through Facebook. 

 There's so much that's good, sometimes I have to take a step back and put things into perspective. I have so much support I really should be grateful .. and I am. 

On 14th May it will be one year since I was told I definitely had cancer. Some people call milestones like that a Cancerversary! So I really should be celebrating that I'm still here instead of sitting here moaning !