"You don't have to go but I'm not giving her up"

So, I really did have a choice, didn't I?  ....errr no. Sometimes my ex was bloody stupid. I could put up with most things but not that. Talk about cake and eat it! 

I don't know what was worse. Finding out he was cheating or realising he really meant it.

I was really ill at the time. They called it a " mixed state" . Mixed up for sure. I didn't even know what day it was half the time. I don't remember that much but I remember thinking that if the one person who was supposed to look after me had given up then it must be bad.

I can't even remember why he told me he was having an affair. He told me who she was and I looked her up on Facebook . Ffs she was a frikkin motorbike freak. The one thing I hated and his passion. He told me he still loved me but that he couldn't deal with me. He told me she was a " breath of fresh air". I've only had contact with the woman once. I spoke to her and I didn't like her. She said he told her he wasn't married, which she knew was bollocks because she's known him for years. She said she was sorry I was ill and how difficult it must be for me. What the hell would she know? That was it. I think anyone who knowingly has an affair with a married man is a lying, cheating , conniving bitch, no matter what . I hated her with a vengeance at that point. I've never spoken to her again. 

I could just imagine him giving her the sob story of how difficult it was having a mentally ill wife, blah ,blah. The truth is if he'd have spent the time with me instead of just leaving me to get on with it and disappearing off with her, I might have got better more quickly.

I'm sure if I hadn't been so off the wall, I'd have fought a bit more but it really wouldn't have made any difference. Once something is so broken its virtually impossible to fix. 

I do remember arguing and throwing a bowl of sweet corn at him. Sounds funny now. He called the police and told them I was mental and he was worried what I'd do. I think the more mental he thought I was the more he could justify what he'd done. Of course the police came but couldn't do much. They didn't  cart me off kicking and screaming! 

I know he was hurting and there were enough tears between us to float a ship but he didn't fight to keep me.I decided then I had to go. I don't remember moving. It was exactly two weeks from the day I found out.I just remember waking up and being in a strange house, on my own. Maybe I don't want to remember. Our marriage was over.

THE MEN IN MY LIFE 

My Dad...the most stable man in my life. I love my Dad. I've always been a bit of a Daddy's girl. I don't like that you are getting old. I want you to be there forever.

My friend...I want us to be friends forever but I know that one day you will get a girlfriend and everything will change.

My "other friend" ...I want to keep things as they are but one day you will get a girlfriend and everything will change.

My ex husband... I will always love you even though you went and got yourself a girlfriend and everything changed....what  a wanker! 

My son... I thought when you got yourself a girlfriend everything would change . You are still going to end up killing yourself.

My future partner.....hurry up and get yourself a girlfriend. Then everything will change!

Despite everything that's happened , I'm not anti men. Far from it. I enjoy male company and I enjoy sex too much to want to cut men out altogether. I have lots of male friends . I don't understand women who say they can live without men. 
I don't think I'm ready for a full blown relationship yet and I will find it hard to trust anyone but I always like to think if its meant to happen it will. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I don't want to be on my own when I'm old but I'm worth more than second best.Besides, I need a man as someone has to wash my car :-) 

SEX ! 

My first  sexual experience was when I was 11. I let a boy kiss me and feel my boobs. Thats it, nothing amazing.I lost my virginity when I was just 14 . I don't remember the the guy and I don't remember the event. I was too pissed. I'm not particularly proud of it but that's how it was. I'm glad I don't have a daughter.

Sex only means what you want it to mean. It's purely physical unless you want it to be something more. Some of the best sex I've had has been without any real attachment.

I've never been unfaithful to anyone...I'm lying. As I write this I start to remember things that maybe I wished I could forget.

If you're  truly in love with someone or have deep feelings for someone then I guess sex is more meaningful. I think I prefer when it's pure lust. I don't think I've often had the two together.

How I feel about sex pretty much correlates with my mood. If I'm down then sex is either completely off the agenda or I feel the need for it to be deep and meaningful . If I'm high then I just want sex...purely physical and downright dirty. That said, I couldn't do it with just anyone...though I have made a few mistakes....mostly when drunk. I don't drink anymore for that reason. There's a joke that says " when I'm drunk my clothes fall off" . Well in my case it's true! The rest of the time I think of sex as one of the most beautiful, intimate, natural, enjoyable things to do.

It is true when you read about people with bipolar having an increased sex drive when high but that doesn't mean we go around acting like nymphomaniacs. When I get like that there's nothing a bit of porn and a vibrator can't sort out, though the real thing would be better! I don't go running around grabbing men off the street! 

When I was young and everything about sex was exciting and new I probably slept with about 30 guys before I met my husband. Of course I never told him that. I never really thought of sex as anything other than something for pleasure and something to use to get what you wanted. I guess I was a bit of a slag, looking at it now. I used to drink a lot so don't even remember half of it. Deep down I think I just wanted someone to love me.

I was never unfaithful to my husband.....not while we were married anyway. When we first started going out he cheated on me. I slept with one of his mates to get my own back. He never knew but it made me feel better.

I never felt the need to cheat when I was married. Sex was great. Maybe as the years went by it became less frequent but it was always good. Nearly every time we did it we'd say afterwards " we really should do this more often" lol. 

It's the sex that happened since my marriage ended that's been something else! 

For months after we split we nearly always ended up having sex. I thought it meant that we were still connected and still likely to get back together. Every time we had sex I felt a sense of relief that our relationship was still somehow valid. I was wrong. I don't know why he did it. I don't know why but it seemed better than when we were married.

Being single after such a long time and trying to cope with all the emotion made me confused and needy. I had a lot  (won't say)  of sexual partners in a year, mostly with guys I hardly knew.  I like to think I was a bit choosy  but as long as I fancied them it was ok.There was only one that actually meant something.It does bother me now but at the time I didn't give a shit.

I'd like to think that I will fall in love again one day but I'm not holding my breath. I certainly don't intend to spend the rest of my life being celibate.

Now I have just one person that I have sex with. We're not in a relationship.  I think we have a mutual respect and it works well. I don't feel the need to go elsewhere. Today I have the best sex that I've had in my entire life.  Maybe it's because we're not a couple.

Get Over It

Mental illness is not real. It's not a proper illness. 

Bipolar disorder is just a label they stick on people because its fashionable. No one really had Bipolar before all these celebrities got on the bandwagon. Just snap out of it. If you try harder you can get over it. 

I've heard it all before.

People don't tell someone with a heart condition to stop taking their tablets and get over it. They don't tell someone with diabetes that they can live without insulin. They don't tell someone with a leg missing to grow another one.

Bipolar disorder is "real" and without the proper treatment can be deadly. 

Bipolar disorder is an illness that affects thoughts, feelings, perceptions and behaviour ... even how a person feels physically. Its a mood disorder.  It's probably caused by electrical and chemical elements in the brain not functioning properly and is often found in people whose families have a history of one or more mental illnesses. While we're at it, let's be clear about something: a mental illness is one that affects the mind, not one that's all in the mind.

Most often, a person with bipolar disorder (manic-depression) experiences moods that shift from high to low and back again in varying degrees of severity. The two poles of bipolar disorder are mania and depression. 

Of course that's putting it in very simple terms. It's different for everybody. It affects people differently and everyone copes in their own way.

I'm not an expert on Bipolar but I'm becoming an expert on my own Bipolar.

I have to be mindful of how I live my life in order to keep well. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It's not an easy thing to deal with.

What being bipolar feels like

It's part of who I am. It shapes my personality. I would never want to change who I am.

Being bipolar is sometimes the most exciting thing. 

When I'm on a " happy " high every little thing is a joy to me. I am alert, my mind is sharp, I look better, music sounds better, things that usually annoy me don't bother me at all. I find things amusing that really are dull. Life just seems more interesting. I worry less and I work harder. This is what they call hypomania. I love it.

Being bipolar is sometimes the most miserable thing.

When I'm on a low most things bring me little or no joy. I am tired,my mind is clouded with negative thoughts, I look and feel awful, music sounds dreary, things play on my mind . I find things much more difficult to cope with. Life just seems a chore. I worry more and do very little . Thats depression. I hate it.

Being bipolar is sometimes so confusing. I don't know what to think. 

When I'm high and low all at the same time, I don't know how I feel. I am wide awake yet feel tired, my mind is so full it's at bursting point, music is irritating , people are irritating . Every little thing either makes me cry or laugh uncontrollably . Life just seems overwhelming . I obsess over things and can't stop doing. That's a mixed state . I don't get it. 

Being bipolar is sometimes no problem. I know it's still there.

When I'm somewhere in between and everything seems normal, I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. I take my medication and try to do everything I can to keep well.

That's life and its bloody hard work.

My Best Friend

Friends are like oxygen . There would be no life without.

I've been friends with my bestest for over twenty years. I don't always remember that far back but I do remember how we just seemed to gel and get on right from the start. Whatever we do it turns into something fun, even the shittiest thing ends up turning out ok! It's funny how that happens. I don't know what it is that draws you to someone. 

Over the years there have been times where we've drifted apart. I think that's just life. It doesn't matter when you're true friends as you always end up coming together again. 

I think we're closer than ever now. I can't imagine a life without her in it.

Sometimes I think I might be dead if it wasn't for her. She keeps me going even when I'm at my lowest. She understands my bipolar and knows when to encourage me and when to back off. 

There's not much she doesn't know about me. I usually end up telling her most things and things I can't tell her, well I know she understands.  We've never had an argument and I doubt we ever will. Even  when we don't agree with each other, we never argue. She's not perfect and there are times when I wonder why she's doing what she's doing but then I'm not perfect either. 

I hope I'm a good friend. I often feel guilty that I'm mostly the taker and not the giver. I always seem to have some drama going on! She's had some pretty tough times too but she never really moans, not to me anyway.

Hahaha my friend comes with a whole package of benefits !!! Not only do I get to spend time with her, I get to spend time with her family. 

I feel honoured that she has done that for me. Allowing someone to become so close to those who mean the most to you is pretty selfless. I really am part of her family.

She is a beautiful, kind, truly amazing person and Im extremely proud of her. 

I love her so much.

We will be friends forever.

Suicide

What a completely selfish , ridiculous thing to do. How could anyone really want to die. It's all for attention.....its all a cry for help.....that's how I used to view it anyway.

When  I was a kid, cant remember exactly how old, maybe 16, I did just that. I got drunk  and swallowed a load of paracetamols. I had no intention of dying, I just wanted to make people take notice. I didn't think about anyone else. I still feel guilty.

I don't look at it in the same way now. I'm sure some people still do it for those reasons but I know it goes deeper than that.

When I tried  to commit suicide for the second time  I really wasn't in a good place. I'd only just left my husband and was living on my own. I'd not long been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I felt like my life was over. I couldn't imagine how it would ever get any better. 

I guess it got to a point where I'd had enough. I don't remember what the feeling was like but I do remember that I didn't want to see anybody, talk to anybody or deal with anybody ever again. It was all too much hard work . It was overwhelming. I couldn't think rationally...well I don't think I could, part of me remembers thinking that taking my own life would be the best thing to do for everybody, me included. It's 2 years ago now and it's hard to think back. Some things I do remember clearly, like the fact it was Christmas Eve and that I was sitting on my own in a house that wasn't like home. I remember thinking how insignificant I was now. People say its selfish but I don't recall thinking about the consequences. If I had been able to think about how much pain and hurt I'd  cause everybody then maybe I wouldn't have done it. I can only say maybe. 

Hopelessness and despair are the only words I can think of. I didn't want to be in pain anymore and I thought the only "cure" was to die. 

I  remember my Mum had rung me to see what time I was going on Christmas Day . I talked to her as if nothing was wrong ...I couldn't risk anyone finding out. 

I remember talking to my ex. He wanted to make sure I was ok. Of course I wasn't ok. He was in my house , with her at Christmas ... what an idiot. 

I had to do it.  I had no choice. I grabbed every tablet I had and sat on the floor in the hall. I don't know why there. I swallowed every last one. Then I just lay down in a ball . I wasn't frightened at that point. I don't remember anything else until I woke up in hospital. The fact that I was still alive and I'd done what I'd done was more frightening.  

Two days.....Two sides

Yesterday I was up at 4am. I couldn't sleep because I was wide awake and full of energy. Also my mind was so full of everything I wanted to do, I couldn't settle . 

I'd changed the bed, done all the washing, dusted, hoovered, had a bath, washed my hair AND tidied out the airing cupboard, rearranged my wardrobe and blitzed the kitchen and it was still only 6.30. 

I love days like that. I felt  happy and alive for no particular reason. I looked in the mirror and it made me smile...not bad for an oldie! Nothing had happened the day before or in the night to make me feel that way. In fact the day before was a miserable day. It's just how it is. I walked around my flat feeling excited...lol, about what I don't know. 

I didn't have anything planned so I decided to go to Clacton....shopping. I nearly always end up shopping. I wrote a list of everything I needed....grey boots, leggings, make up, nail varnish , candles and a handbag. Where that came from I don't know as I didn't actually need any of those things....I already have grey boots, I already have about 20 pairs of leggings, I have enough make up to last about 5 years, I never use nail varnish , I have enough candles to light the whole of Brightlinsea and, well, maybe I can justify at least the handbag.... actually no I can't, I've got loads of them but who cares. I still got it all anyway. 

I sat outside a cafe with a coffee and a cigarette and chatted to anybody and everybody about everything and nothing. I smiled at every single person that walked past. I love that, seeing people's reactions.

I spent the rest of the day cleaning and tidying even though it was already clean and tidy. I went for a walk. I chatted on the phone to whoever would listen and I visited my neighbour. I didn't stop "doing" until about 9pm. 

I realised that I had forgotten to eat. I wasn't even hungry so had coffee instead. 

When I finally sat down I was straight onto the Internet ....more shopping for things  that I don't need....

  I can't  get myself going today. Everything is SHIT. 

I look like shit, my flat looks like shit. Everything I do is shit and everything and everybody is shit. My whole existence is just one big pile of poo! 

Of course I'm talking shit too....I just have these days. I don't know why. Nothing has happened since yesterday. In fact I was happy as Larry yesterday! It's just how it is.

I'm sure I don't really look any different, my flat is as tidy as ever and I haven't even seen anyone. The sun is shining too. So why do I feel so shitty? I have no idea and its pissing me off. its taken me all morning to get dressed and make the bed. I've got things I want to do but every time I try to make a start something stops me and I faff about for a bit longer.I've had about ten cups of coffee and I've been constantly munching on anything in my kitchen that's edible, which I know is bad and makes me feel worse. I'm just a fat, ugly dollop. I look in the mirror and it makes me feel sick.
When the phone rings I ignore it. I don't really feel like talking today...most people get on my nerves anyway.
I get a horrible feeling that something bad will happen and I cry and cry and cry.
 Maybe I'll just go to sleep for an hour or so in the hope that when I wake up all will be normal and I'll be able to get on.

Can't even do that right....couldn't get to sleep. Ffs  I wish today would hurry up and go. Now I feel bad for wishing my life away. 

I'm going to Sues later .... I don't want to go out but I know I need to make the effort. If I do go out I'm  sure all the shittiness will disappear for a while. 

How can one ordinary day be so different to the next? I guess that's just the way things are. Most days are somewhere in between, thankfully. 

My Ex Husband

This is a difficult one. I'd like to say he's a wanker, he's just someone from my past and that I don't really have any feelings about him. 

Of course I can't do that. You can't spend nearly 25 years with someone and just write them off . That's over half my life.

I fell in love almost instantly. It was his eyes. He was funny and kind.

The fact that I had a 6 month old baby didn't seem to bother him, well not that he let on anyway. He went on to adopt him so it must have been ok. Right from the start he looked after me and my son.I liked that. 

He always worked hard and played equally hard and I loved him for it. My Mum and Dad adored him and he could do no wrong ! lol.

I don't remember anything that bad about our relationship. The only thing that caused any upset was his love of motorbikes....mostly because he was always falling off of the things! 

I'm sure he was pretty selfish when it came to motorbikes but I just let him get on with it. It was his hobby. He never stopped me from doing what I wanted.

Life was good. We married, he became a good Dad to my son, we bought a flat, then houses, we went on holidays, there's nothing I can really say was bad.  Life was so "normal".

I always remember women at work moaning about their husbands and I always felt smug because it was something I never felt the need to do.

Even sex was great ! 

Anyway, back to our marriage . I never imagined we'd ever split up. It never crossed my mind in all those years. We were going to retire to Manningtree and grow old together...true soul mates.

I can't really remember how it all went wrong. Our son was causing untold trouble and I was pretty ill and had no idea what was going on most of the time ( i'll save all that for another blog) I know it was July 2006 when I first went to see my GP because I didn't feel right. I left him in November 2010  (my husband not my GP!!!). We had been together for 23 years. So it took just 4 years to completely decimate something that was supposed to be so solid. 

I am sure things were awful for him when I was ill. I know he was embarrassed that his wife had a mental illness and I know he didn't understand it ....but then neither did I. He mostly ignored it , refused help and just left me to get on with it. That's how I see it anyway. 

When I found out he'd been having an affair I just upped and left. He didn't try to stop me.

No matter what the reasons, the one person who should have stood by me , betrayed me in the worst possible way. I can forgive . I refuse to become all bitter and twisted but I will never forget the pain he caused me.

For nearly 2 years after we split we continued to have contact. That has to be the worst time of my life. I was convinced that at some point we would get back together. He told me he still loved me and always would. He told me we would come together again one day but not right now. We continued to have sex....the best sex we'd ever had.

Today we don't have a physical relationship. We talk  occasionally but we don't have that "thing" anymore....whatever that "thing" is , it's gone. How it happened I don't know. 

I still love him but I'm not " in love" with him. I think we are just friends now.

I don't think he'll stay with his girlfriend . Their whole relationship has been based on lies and deceit from the start. I hated her but now I feel sorry for her.

What happens after a heart attack?

I have no idea. I've been home for a week and although I feel stronger physically my mind is a fucking mess. I'm trying my hardest not to let anyone know but what I really want to do is scream and sob. I feel like I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff , just waiting to dive off into oblivion. I don't want to die, I just don't want my life as it is. Its all too much hard work. I want to run away and keep running.
Everyone is being so kind and " nice" but they haven't got a clue....why would they when neither have I .
Having a heart attack is more serious than having Bipolar . A heart attack is more important than Bipolar.You can die from a heart attack but you can't die from Bipolar? Bollocks.
How ironic. I've been at deaths door twice now. The first time I really didn't want to be alive and the second time I really didn't want to be dead. Now all I keep thinking about is what happens third time around......will I, won't I , do I, don't I ?
I'm so tired but I've got a million and one things I need to be doing. People have always taken the piss out of me for being so tidy and organised. I can't help it, it's just the way I am. I know in the scheme of things the fact I'm  looking at dust under my table and I haven't got the energy to get rid of it is hardly important but it's really bothering me. The more I see stuff that needs doing the more overwhelming it seems. People offer to help but they just can't do it the way I want it. They think my flat is tidy and yet to me its like a bombs gone off. I can't seem to get myself in gear and it's all getting worse. I get cross with myself for being so pathetic. It gets to the point where if I can't do it all I end up doing nothing.
That's one of the most frustrating things. I'm not stupid and I know what I need to do but I just can't seem to do it. No matter how simple. My mind is just so full of "stuff " at the moment, I don't know if I'm coming or going. I'm flitting from one thing to another and it all gets jumbled up. I wish my brain had an on / off button. Even when I go to bed it doesn't stop. It's taken me nearly all day just to have a bath and get dressed and when I look round I haven't really done anything useful.
Andy is taking me out for a walk later.....hahahahaha makes me sound like a pet. Andy is good for me.He is always calm, no matter what I'm babbling on about. He seems to understand . I don't know if he really does but "seems to" is good enough for me, besides  some fresh air will do me good.

I read this on Facebook : I love routine, until I'm bored. Then I love excitement, until I'm overwhelmed. Then I love routine .
Couldn't have put it better myself.

IF I DIE ......SHORT AND SWEET and in no particular order

I'm naming names on here because I don't think it matters. I wrote this when I was still convinced that I might peg it any minute.

Mum and Dad
You really have been the best parents in the world. I'm sorry I haven't always been the best daughter. I don't need to say anymore.  x

Karen and Mandy
I love you  both and I could never imagine falling out like some sisters do. x

Andy
I love you more than you realise.you are one of the kindest, loveliest people I have ever met. I wished I could have been what you are looking for ....but that's life I guess. I hope you do find what you are looking for. x

Stuart
I will always love you and I know you will always love me. Doesn't mean I like you though! What you did to me was so wrong but I forgive you. x
Beverly ....you will get what you deserve.

Matt
I loved you even before you we're born. Yes you've caused me more pain than anyone but I know deep down you are a good person . All I can wish for is that you sort yourself out and live the life you deserve. x

The rest of my family
Everyone moans about their family . Not me...I wouldn't change any of you. x

Sue
You are the best friend anyone could wish for. You really are a very special person. I love you truly and with all my heart. x

Jo
You are my oldest friend. We don't see each other like we should but I know you are always there. I'm very proud of you too. X

Chris
I love you as if you were my son. You are so kind and thoughtful. You are amazing in every way....and Natalie, I love you too. You are beautiful inside and out. Xx

The Leggetts
I really do love you all. It's like having a second family . You all make me feel like I am a part of it. I feel like I belong always. Ps same goes for girlfriends and wives! X

Abigail
Well you certainly are a pain in the arse at times but also a breath of fresh air. I feel honoured when you call me your surrogate mum. I hope you get the happiness you deserve.

You know who you are
You are special to me, wether you like it or not! You put some joy back into my shitty little world. You made me feel alive again, made me feel like a proper woman and you made me feel oh so sexy. I hope all your hard work pays off and that you find what you are looking for. You deserve it. x

What did people with bipolar do before the Internet ?

I would hate to know how many hours of my life I've spent on the bloody computer . When I'm depressed I am either asleep or online. When I'm high I'm permanently online.

Going on line when your depressed isn't really therapeutic. Not for me anyway. I just make myself more miserable by  looking up stuff about being depressed or reading about side effects of medication, anything really that adds to my feelings of despair. When I'm high I watch porn a lot and shop !  

Facebook is another strange thing. When I don't want to talk to people I can still keep an eye on what's going  on. I guess it's a type of stalking....that millions  of people do! I wish I'd invented Facebook . Some people have the best ideas. I'm always having ideas but I rarely do anything about them. I usually forget by the time I'm in the frame of mind to do anything about it. Sometimes I write a list of stuff I want to do. It usually ends up so long and so ridiculous that I get upset that I can't do it all and it ends up in the shredder. Hmm I was supposed to be writing about the Internet. Typical  I end up going off on a tangent.

So, back to the Internet. I'm sure without it  I wouldn't have got into so much trouble, yet I dread to think what I'd do without it.

I need the Internet . If I don't want to get out of bed or go outside, it's still there. It gives me power. I can pay my bills, I can shop, I can chat.....but for every positive , there's a negative. I have access to money, I can shop for things I don't need, I can chat to the wrong people.

I wonder what life would be like without . Maybe I'll give it up for a week........nah ! 

So.....how the fuck did I end up where I am today?

If someone had told me 5years ago that I'd be single and living alone in a one bedroomed flat in Brightlingsea I would have laughed in their face.
I thought I had the perfect life...haha I doubt it was but that's how I choose to remember it. I had a husband who I was still in love with after 20 years, a son who , yes was a pain at times but who I adored, a loving family, great friends, a beautiful house with a huge garden and LOL a flash car ....see perfect!
I don't really remember everything that led to me up and leaving my old life behind. Part of it was because of my illness but a huge part of it was  a whole catalogue of events that I had no control over, all coming to a head.
I guess I always had Bipolar. My ex said me being "scatty" was all part of the attraction and that my "up" phases made up for the downers. He said that's why he loved me, because I was a little crazy! I don't really remember much from my childhood that would point to me being bipolar. My mum says I was always the "nutty one" . Not really sure what she means !
I was a bit of a wayward teenager..I was only 14 when I lost my virginity. I was paralytic drunk and  I don't remember it too well. I don't even remember who the guy was. Could have been anyone.That I do think is pretty bad . I drank a lot and had a lot of random sex. I also fell head over heels with a guy called Rick. When I look back I must have been a complete pain to him. Once when we had one of our break ups I took a massive overdose. I don't remember what was going through my mind. I do remember how upset my parents were, especially my Dad.
I got pregnant when I was 15 . I wasn't going to keep it. I didn't even know who the father was for sure.I had a miscarriage and suddenly this baby that I didn't want became the most important thing on earth. I wanted a baby more than anything.....something of my very own that I could look after.
I was extremely intelligent at school but I couldn't be bothered. Luckily I still managed to pass all my exams without even trying. I was going to be an Occupational Therapist but because I was "in love" I didn't want to move away. I chose a  course in social care instead...way too easy really but it made my mind up that I wanted to work with people with Learning Disabilities. I then went on to start nurse training. I only did a year before I fell pregnant. I told everyone that it was a mistake but the truth is I didn't use any precautions and I wanted to be pregnant. I thought having a baby would be easy compared to studying and working.....what!!! I knew the guy but it was pretty much a one night stand. I told him but I didn't push for him to do anything. The truth is I didn't really want him involved. It was my baby and I was over the moon. I thought having a baby would be the best thing that ever happened to me....and do you know what? I really thought it was. I didn't have to worry about anything except looking after my baby. I didn't worry about the future and in all honesty being a single parent to me was easy. I was really happy and that felt great.
I met my husband when my son was six months old. Well, I knew him before that because he used to go out with my friend. I was in love with him pretty much from our first date. Before I knew it we were married , he'd adopted my baby and we began our happy little life in suburbia. I got my job as a physio assistant and I never thought life would change. I thought we would stay married forever, just like my Mum and Dad. I thought we were soul mates and would be together until one of us died. He always told me he would do anything for me, even die...and I 100% believed him. I choose to remember it as perfect. For nearly 20 years life went by without any major upsets. I think I was happy.
I don't know when it started to go horribly wrong. I could write a list of things that contributed but I can't say it was one particular thing. I guess it's easy to cope with a few things but when it's one thing after another something has to give. I know me being bipolar had a lot to do with it.

Surviving Crazy.........Introduction

 I am a 40something, divorced, single female, who happens to have an overactive mind at times and who also happens to have Bipolar Disorder .

My life has changed dramatically over the last 5 years and to say its been a struggle is an understatement.About a year ago I started to write a "book" which in all honesty has turned into a bunch of random thoughts , mostly scribbled on scraps of paper or on my ipad notes....about this and that and shit ! I doubt I'd ever be able to organise it into anything readable on paper. It's a bit of a jumbled up mess at the moment. Hahaha a bit like me at times! 

So, that's why I decided to write a blog.

It's just about things that go on in my life and in my head. I doubt anyone is going to be remotely interested in my ramblings,  but hey, you never know, someone might and besides it gives me something to do with all the crap that goes on in my mind !!!

It's not particularly my story , any story or an autobiography. It's just about whatever "stuff " comes into my head......and sometimes there's a lot of it! 

It's not just meant to be about being Bipolar, although as that is part of who I am, does come into it pretty frequently.

I decided that putting all this into a blog might help me channel my thoughts, it might be of interest to anyone around my age , might interest anyone who suddenly finds themselves single or divorced, might be interesting to anyone else with Bipolar Disorder or might just be of interest to anyone who is just plain nosy  when it comes to other people's lives! 

I am not a writer and I've never done anything like this before.

If anyone who knows me reads this they could get a shock. I don't intend to upset anyone but no doubt I will.  There's  no point in writing things that aren't true or leaving stuff out, and even though some things are pretty personal, I won't mention real names unless I know it doesn't matter.

I'm finding this kind of exciting already !

Everyone is unique, everyone has a unique life ...... this is about my unique life and the people in it x 

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