Thursday, 18 April 2013

What happens after a heart attack?

I have no idea. I've been home for a week and although I feel stronger physically my mind is a fucking mess. I'm trying my hardest not to let anyone know but what I really want to do is scream and sob. I feel like I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff , just waiting to dive off into oblivion. I don't want to die, I just don't want my life as it is. Its all too much hard work. I want to run away and keep running.
Everyone is being so kind and " nice" but they haven't got a clue....why would they when neither have I .
Having a heart attack is more serious than having Bipolar . A heart attack is more important than Bipolar.You can die from a heart attack but you can't die from Bipolar? Bollocks.
How ironic. I've been at deaths door twice now. The first time I really didn't want to be alive and the second time I really didn't want to be dead. Now all I keep thinking about is what happens third time around......will I, won't I , do I, don't I ?
I'm so tired but I've got a million and one things I need to be doing. People have always taken the piss out of me for being so tidy and organised. I can't help it, it's just the way I am. I know in the scheme of things the fact I'm  looking at dust under my table and I haven't got the energy to get rid of it is hardly important but it's really bothering me. The more I see stuff that needs doing the more overwhelming it seems. People offer to help but they just can't do it the way I want it. They think my flat is tidy and yet to me its like a bombs gone off. I can't seem to get myself in gear and it's all getting worse. I get cross with myself for being so pathetic. It gets to the point where if I can't do it all I end up doing nothing.
That's one of the most frustrating things. I'm not stupid and I know what I need to do but I just can't seem to do it. No matter how simple. My mind is just so full of "stuff " at the moment, I don't know if I'm coming or going. I'm flitting from one thing to another and it all gets jumbled up. I wish my brain had an on / off button. Even when I go to bed it doesn't stop. It's taken me nearly all day just to have a bath and get dressed and when I look round I haven't really done anything useful.
Andy is taking me out for a walk later.....hahahahaha makes me sound like a pet. Andy is good for me.He is always calm, no matter what I'm babbling on about. He seems to understand . I don't know if he really does but "seems to" is good enough for me, besides  some fresh air will do me good.

I read this on Facebook : I love routine, until I'm bored. Then I love excitement, until I'm overwhelmed. Then I love routine .
Couldn't have put it better myself.

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