Wednesday, 17 April 2013
So.....how the fuck did I end up where I am today?
If someone had told me 5years ago that I'd be single and living alone in a one bedroomed flat in Brightlingsea I would have laughed in their face.
I thought I had the perfect life...haha I doubt it was but that's how I choose to remember it. I had a husband who I was still in love with after 20 years, a son who , yes was a pain at times but who I adored, a loving family, great friends, a beautiful house with a huge garden and LOL a flash car ....see perfect!
I don't really remember everything that led to me up and leaving my old life behind. Part of it was because of my illness but a huge part of it was a whole catalogue of events that I had no control over, all coming to a head.
I guess I always had Bipolar. My ex said me being "scatty" was all part of the attraction and that my "up" phases made up for the downers. He said that's why he loved me, because I was a little crazy! I don't really remember much from my childhood that would point to me being bipolar. My mum says I was always the "nutty one" . Not really sure what she means !
I was a bit of a wayward teenager..I was only 14 when I lost my virginity. I was paralytic drunk and I don't remember it too well. I don't even remember who the guy was. Could have been anyone.That I do think is pretty bad . I drank a lot and had a lot of random sex. I also fell head over heels with a guy called Rick. When I look back I must have been a complete pain to him. Once when we had one of our break ups I took a massive overdose. I don't remember what was going through my mind. I do remember how upset my parents were, especially my Dad.
I got pregnant when I was 15 . I wasn't going to keep it. I didn't even know who the father was for sure.I had a miscarriage and suddenly this baby that I didn't want became the most important thing on earth. I wanted a baby more than anything.....something of my very own that I could look after.
I was extremely intelligent at school but I couldn't be bothered. Luckily I still managed to pass all my exams without even trying. I was going to be an Occupational Therapist but because I was "in love" I didn't want to move away. I chose a course in social care instead...way too easy really but it made my mind up that I wanted to work with people with Learning Disabilities. I then went on to start nurse training. I only did a year before I fell pregnant. I told everyone that it was a mistake but the truth is I didn't use any precautions and I wanted to be pregnant. I thought having a baby would be easy compared to studying and working.....what!!! I knew the guy but it was pretty much a one night stand. I told him but I didn't push for him to do anything. The truth is I didn't really want him involved. It was my baby and I was over the moon. I thought having a baby would be the best thing that ever happened to me....and do you know what? I really thought it was. I didn't have to worry about anything except looking after my baby. I didn't worry about the future and in all honesty being a single parent to me was easy. I was really happy and that felt great.
I met my husband when my son was six months old. Well, I knew him before that because he used to go out with my friend. I was in love with him pretty much from our first date. Before I knew it we were married , he'd adopted my baby and we began our happy little life in suburbia. I got my job as a physio assistant and I never thought life would change. I thought we would stay married forever, just like my Mum and Dad. I thought we were soul mates and would be together until one of us died. He always told me he would do anything for me, even die...and I 100% believed him. I choose to remember it as perfect. For nearly 20 years life went by without any major upsets. I think I was happy.
I don't know when it started to go horribly wrong. I could write a list of things that contributed but I can't say it was one particular thing. I guess it's easy to cope with a few things but when it's one thing after another something has to give. I know me being bipolar had a lot to do with it.