Friday, 19 April 2013

My Ex Husband

This is a difficult one. I'd like to say he's a wanker, he's just someone from my past and that I don't really have any feelings about him. 
Of course I can't do that. You can't spend nearly 25 years with someone and just write them off . That's over half my life.
I fell in love almost instantly. It was his eyes. He was funny and kind.
The fact that I had a 6 month old baby didn't seem to bother him, well not that he let on anyway. He went on to adopt him so it must have been ok. Right from the start he looked after me and my son.I liked that. 
He always worked hard and played equally hard and I loved him for it. My Mum and Dad adored him and he could do no wrong ! lol.
I don't remember anything that bad about our relationship. The only thing that caused any upset was his love of motorbikes....mostly because he was always falling off of the things! 
I'm sure he was pretty selfish when it came to motorbikes but I just let him get on with it. It was his hobby. He never stopped me from doing what I wanted.
Life was good. We married, he became a good Dad to my son, we bought a flat, then houses, we went on holidays, there's nothing I can really say was bad.  Life was so "normal".
I always remember women at work moaning about their husbands and I always felt smug because it was something I never felt the need to do.
Even sex was great ! 
Anyway, back to our marriage . I never imagined we'd ever split up. It never crossed my mind in all those years. We were going to retire to Manningtree and grow old together...true soul mates.
I can't really remember how it all went wrong. Our son was causing untold trouble and I was pretty ill and had no idea what was going on most of the time ( i'll save all that for another blog) I know it was July 2006 when I first went to see my GP because I didn't feel right. I left him in November 2010  (my husband not my GP!!!). We had been together for 23 years. So it took just 4 years to completely decimate something that was supposed to be so solid. 
I am sure things were awful for him when I was ill. I know he was embarrassed that his wife had a mental illness and I know he didn't understand it ....but then neither did I. He mostly ignored it , refused help and just left me to get on with it. That's how I see it anyway. 
When I found out he'd been having an affair I just upped and left. He didn't try to stop me.
No matter what the reasons, the one person who should have stood by me , betrayed me in the worst possible way. I can forgive . I refuse to become all bitter and twisted but I will never forget the pain he caused me.
For nearly 2 years after we split we continued to have contact. That has to be the worst time of my life. I was convinced that at some point we would get back together. He told me he still loved me and always would. He told me we would come together again one day but not right now. We continued to have sex....the best sex we'd ever had.
Today we don't have a physical relationship. We talk  occasionally but we don't have that "thing" anymore....whatever that "thing" is , it's gone. How it happened I don't know. 
I still love him but I'm not " in love" with him. I think we are just friends now.
I don't think he'll stay with his girlfriend . Their whole relationship has been based on lies and deceit from the start. I hated her but now I feel sorry for her.

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