Sunday, 28 April 2013

SEX ! 
My first  sexual experience was when I was 11. I let a boy kiss me and feel my boobs. Thats it, nothing amazing.I lost my virginity when I was just 14 . I don't remember the the guy and I don't remember the event. I was too pissed. I'm not particularly proud of it but that's how it was. I'm glad I don't have a daughter.
Sex only means what you want it to mean. It's purely physical unless you want it to be something more. Some of the best sex I've had has been without any real attachment.
I've never been unfaithful to anyone...I'm lying. As I write this I start to remember things that maybe I wished I could forget.
If you're  truly in love with someone or have deep feelings for someone then I guess sex is more meaningful. I think I prefer when it's pure lust. I don't think I've often had the two together.
How I feel about sex pretty much correlates with my mood. If I'm down then sex is either completely off the agenda or I feel the need for it to be deep and meaningful . If I'm high then I just want sex...purely physical and downright dirty. That said, I couldn't do it with just anyone...though I have made a few mistakes....mostly when drunk. I don't drink anymore for that reason. There's a joke that says " when I'm drunk my clothes fall off" . Well in my case it's true! The rest of the time I think of sex as one of the most beautiful, intimate, natural, enjoyable things to do.
It is true when you read about people with bipolar having an increased sex drive when high but that doesn't mean we go around acting like nymphomaniacs. When I get like that there's nothing a bit of porn and a vibrator can't sort out, though the real thing would be better! I don't go running around grabbing men off the street! 
When I was young and everything about sex was exciting and new I probably slept with about 30 guys before I met my husband. Of course I never told him that. I never really thought of sex as anything other than something for pleasure and something to use to get what you wanted. I guess I was a bit of a slag, looking at it now. I used to drink a lot so don't even remember half of it. Deep down I think I just wanted someone to love me.
I was never unfaithful to my husband.....not while we were married anyway. When we first started going out he cheated on me. I slept with one of his mates to get my own back. He never knew but it made me feel better.
I never felt the need to cheat when I was married. Sex was great. Maybe as the years went by it became less frequent but it was always good. Nearly every time we did it we'd say afterwards " we really should do this more often" lol. 
It's the sex that happened since my marriage ended that's been something else! 
For months after we split we nearly always ended up having sex. I thought it meant that we were still connected and still likely to get back together. Every time we had sex I felt a sense of relief that our relationship was still somehow valid. I was wrong. I don't know why he did it. I don't know why but it seemed better than when we were married.
Being single after such a long time and trying to cope with all the emotion made me confused and needy. I had a lot  (won't say)  of sexual partners in a year, mostly with guys I hardly knew.  I like to think I was a bit choosy  but as long as I fancied them it was ok.There was only one that actually meant something.It does bother me now but at the time I didn't give a shit.
I'd like to think that I will fall in love again one day but I'm not holding my breath. I certainly don't intend to spend the rest of my life being celibate.
Now I have just one person that I have sex with. We're not in a relationship.  I think we have a mutual respect and it works well. I don't feel the need to go elsewhere. Today I have the best sex that I've had in my entire life.  Maybe it's because we're not a couple.

1 comment:

  1. Who's the lucky man ? Let me know if he hangs his boots