Two days.....Two sides

Yesterday I was up at 4am. I couldn't sleep because I was wide awake and full of energy. Also my mind was so full of everything I wanted to do, I couldn't settle . 

I'd changed the bed, done all the washing, dusted, hoovered, had a bath, washed my hair AND tidied out the airing cupboard, rearranged my wardrobe and blitzed the kitchen and it was still only 6.30. 

I love days like that. I felt  happy and alive for no particular reason. I looked in the mirror and it made me smile...not bad for an oldie! Nothing had happened the day before or in the night to make me feel that way. In fact the day before was a miserable day. It's just how it is. I walked around my flat feeling excited...lol, about what I don't know. 

I didn't have anything planned so I decided to go to Clacton....shopping. I nearly always end up shopping. I wrote a list of everything I needed....grey boots, leggings, make up, nail varnish , candles and a handbag. Where that came from I don't know as I didn't actually need any of those things....I already have grey boots, I already have about 20 pairs of leggings, I have enough make up to last about 5 years, I never use nail varnish , I have enough candles to light the whole of Brightlinsea and, well, maybe I can justify at least the handbag.... actually no I can't, I've got loads of them but who cares. I still got it all anyway. 

I sat outside a cafe with a coffee and a cigarette and chatted to anybody and everybody about everything and nothing. I smiled at every single person that walked past. I love that, seeing people's reactions.

I spent the rest of the day cleaning and tidying even though it was already clean and tidy. I went for a walk. I chatted on the phone to whoever would listen and I visited my neighbour. I didn't stop "doing" until about 9pm. 

I realised that I had forgotten to eat. I wasn't even hungry so had coffee instead. 

When I finally sat down I was straight onto the Internet ....more shopping for things  that I don't need....

  I can't  get myself going today. Everything is SHIT. 

I look like shit, my flat looks like shit. Everything I do is shit and everything and everybody is shit. My whole existence is just one big pile of poo! 

Of course I'm talking shit too....I just have these days. I don't know why. Nothing has happened since yesterday. In fact I was happy as Larry yesterday! It's just how it is.

I'm sure I don't really look any different, my flat is as tidy as ever and I haven't even seen anyone. The sun is shining too. So why do I feel so shitty? I have no idea and its pissing me off. its taken me all morning to get dressed and make the bed. I've got things I want to do but every time I try to make a start something stops me and I faff about for a bit longer.I've had about ten cups of coffee and I've been constantly munching on anything in my kitchen that's edible, which I know is bad and makes me feel worse. I'm just a fat, ugly dollop. I look in the mirror and it makes me feel sick.
When the phone rings I ignore it. I don't really feel like talking today...most people get on my nerves anyway.
I get a horrible feeling that something bad will happen and I cry and cry and cry.
 Maybe I'll just go to sleep for an hour or so in the hope that when I wake up all will be normal and I'll be able to get on.

Can't even do that right....couldn't get to sleep. Ffs  I wish today would hurry up and go. Now I feel bad for wishing my life away. 

I'm going to Sues later .... I don't want to go out but I know I need to make the effort. If I do go out I'm  sure all the shittiness will disappear for a while. 

How can one ordinary day be so different to the next? I guess that's just the way things are. Most days are somewhere in between, thankfully.