Looks Can Be Deceiving

 

I'm pleased I don't look too rough or ill (according to other people that is). Most days I don't feel that great but I am still managing to put a smile on my face. To be honest it helps to try and appear positive. If I feel miserable, by the time I've had a chat and a laugh with someone I usually feel happier. It's hard to engage with someone when they are always negative and I'd hate for people to avoid me because I'm coming across all doom and gloom.
That's why I write this blog, even though I haven't written one for ages (mostly because I've been trying to put cancer to the back of my mind) and this one is going to be brief as I can't concentrate.  At least if I want to moan or be pissed off on here it's not directly affecting anyone and I do get a lot of support from people who read this and that really helps.
I'm grateful I look ok on the outside but what's going on inside isn't good ...it really is shit.
So after two good scans and a good long break from hospitals and appointments, my last scan wasn't what I was hoping for. I now have a tumour in my trachea (windpipe) which if left to it's own devices will eventually suffocate me.
They can't 100% say what it is without a biopsy but my oncologist and surgeon are thinking it's most likely another metastasis from my original bowel cancer. Whatever it is it shouldn't be there and needs to go!
I had an appointment with a really great surgeon from the Norfolk and Norwich hospital. He was quite positive but realistic. So far every bit of cancer that's appeared has been removed by surgery or ablated (I call it getting zapped).
This time he doesn't think surgery would be in my best interests. Removing a tumour from your windpipe is a really complex procedure and carries a lot of risks. He also thinks that because I've already had it spread to my ovaries and lungs there's probably more cancer that's not showing up yet. FFS
I'm going into hospital tomorrow and he's going to do something called a rigid bronchoscopy and laser treatment so hopefully he'll be able to remove most of it and at least it will clear my airway. I'm scared about this procedure. I can't stand the thought of it...glad I'm having a general anaesthetic. Once that's done they'll review and decide what's next. I'm trying to look on the bright side ... something is being done and I'd be in a lot more trouble if the surgeon had turned round and said he couldn't do anything.

Thankfully I have a fantastic network of people supporting me and that is one of the most important things ...even so... 
cancer really is a bastard.