Sometimes I feel really guilty when people are trying to be nice to me and all I keep thinking is fuck off and leave me alone. It always seems to be people I'm really close too and especially my Mum. I don't know why because I love my Mum. She's been the best Mum anyone could wish for, so why when she's doing something nice for me do I want to scream. It's not so bad with my Dad but then I always was a Daddy's girl.
Maybe it is true, that you end up hurting those closest to you. I always get it into my head that they just " don't get it" and it makes me cross. I actually think my Mum does get it. It's me, I get very defensive. My Mum and Dad are getting old and I don't want to give them more hassle so I try to keep them shielded from it all. They seem to know anyway. That's what you call fantastic parents.
Back to what I was talking about in the first place.
There are times when I have felt really aggressive but I'm not a violent person, it's not in my nature. I'm more likely to scream obscenities or throw something. Most of the time it's just there in my thoughts. I'll be constantly moaning in my head. Everything and everybody is annoying and stupid! Occasionally it slips out...I was in the car park and a very large lady just left her trolley in the parking spot. I meant to think it but I said it out loud..." You stupid fucking lazy fat cow" ...whoops. That often happens when I'm in that frame of mind. My thoughts just slip out!
I don't want to hurt others but I have hurt myself to get out of doing something I can't face. I once burnt my hand with boiling water so I didn't have to go into work . That way I had a proper reason. At the time I didn't think I could say being depressed was a " proper" reason to take time off. I did it so I didn't have to lie. I once punched a wall so I didn't have to go out. It's not something I've done often thank goodness. Now I know it's ok to tell the truth about my bipolar...most of the time. Sometimes I want people to think I'm fine when I know I'm not.