Tuesday, 14 May 2013

I don't want to go home

When I was married I loved going home. I loved being at home on my own, pottering about. There's nothing better after a holiday than opening your own front door and then climbing into your own bed. 
Even though I love my flat there are times when the thought of going back there, after a day out, terrifies me. It's the silence. If you live with someone even if they're not there , they have a presence. That's what you don't get when you live alone. 
When I was married I craved time alone, now I'm single I crave company. 
When you're single, yes you can do what you like, when you like and how you like but nothing can take away that feeling of being totally on your own. What if I dropped down dead in the middle of the night and no one found me for days? 
It's always worse when I've been having a really good time , then it stops and I'm reminded that I'm on my own. Then I start worrying about the future and what will happen to me. That's when I really miss being in a relationship. Having said that I wouldn't want to be with someone just for the sake of it. If I end up with someone it will be because I'm in love not because I'm lonely, although there's a lot to be said for companionship.  
I do get lonely. Sometimes it's painful. Sometimes I feel lonely even when I'm surrounded by people. It's not that I don't have friends. It's about missing that closeness. Especially physical contact...I don't mean sex...I mean holding hands or a cuddle. I mean when you're lying next to someone and you can hear them breathe and you start to breathe in time with them. I mean feeling safe because someone is just there. 
When I listen to couples moaning and wishing they had "freedom" , I wish they could feel what it's like for a few days. Then they might appreciate what they've got. 

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