Tuesday, 28 May 2013

2000 Emails

Well that was a  weird situation. I just sat next to my ex husband in the doctors for about half an hour. We sat and chatted, just chit chat about nothing really. How things change. I didn't feel any animosity but I didn't really feel anything. I must be over it.
Splitting up is difficult, especially when you've got no idea it's coming and when you really don't want it to happen.
It's taken almost two and a half years for me to come to terms with it all. I think it probably took as long for him too. 
When we first split up we couldn't seem to break away from each other. I was deleting stuff on my laptop the other day and found over two thousand emails between us . It was painful to read some of them. I can't believe how desperate and needy I was and I can't believe some of the stuff he said to me. He really did give me false hope and kept me hanging on. 

I am sorry about Sunday night and the texts, I nearly got dressed and was going to come round but thought better of it. I am struggling with all of this as I imagine you are, I cant get it out of my mind and I really want to sit down and talk about it but the whole thing just pulls on my heart strings and I go to pieces.I feel so guilty that I put myself before you in all this, I care about most of the people in my life and you are the one who is closest to my heart and I have let you down big time. I feel now its not about me and my life, its how my actions affect the people around me, especially you.I know you didn't see this coming and why you feel I deserted you, which now I know I did.
The vows we take when we got married are 'for better or worse, in sickness and in health' and I cant help feeling I did run away from it when I could have helped you much more. I just wish I could turn back the clock and behaved differently and help you to get better rather than worry about myself.
I dont know what to do next, I hate it when you talk about me forgetting you and you not wanting to be part of my life. My family keep saying you're ok and how I should let you get on with your life without me in it and the fact I am being unfair keeping in touch with you and maybe giving the wrong signals but I cant stop wanting to see you and help you. What shall we do?

Dr Bateman asked me how I was this morning and I burst into tears. He thinks you need to make your mind up. I won't change the way I feel whatever you do. I am still in love with you and even though I know things can't go back to how they were before I got ill, I want some kind of relationship with you, which is more than tea and a chat. I want us to make love, I want us to do things together that are fun. I don't doubt you still love me in some kind of way.  When I looked back over all our conversations whenever I have tried to make a break you won't let me. Yesterday I felt so distraught I told you I would be prepared to share you. What's happened to my self respect? I am finding it all too much to bare at the moment. I am like a nervous wreck. I am scared you are going to leave me for good but am I just prolonging the agony? I don't give a fuck what anyone else says. It's you that needs to make a final decision. 
All I really wan't is a bit of happiness back in my life, like when I saw you last week.  
Lynn x 

Constant messages like these, trying to work out what the fuck was going on. 
As well as emails there were hundreds of Skype conversations and text messages . We met up in secret and slept together. I even slept at my old house a couple of times. We made each others lives a misery. I really believed we would get back together at some point and he knew it and let me believe it.  I know he was feeling guilty for deserting me when I was ill but he was so wrong to try and get so involved once we'd split. He should have walked away and let me be.
The one thing I still don't understand is where does she fit in all this? How could he love her as much as he said he did and lie and cheat for all that time?
I don't know what changed. It happened suddenly. I couldn't be second best anymore.
Time really does heal. I think the fact that I have my Bipolar under more control made me stronger and less needy.

No wonder it took so long to get over it all though.

1 comment:

  1. Bloody hell,two and a half years too get over it ? Mines only been two months and the pain is not easing, I won't last another two years of this..