Thats it then ....
So after twenty two years they have decided I can no longer cope with my job. Bloody hell. I guess that's it then. 

For sixteen years I worked without a problem as a physiotherapy assistant, working with adults with learning disabilities. I can honestly say I loved it most of the time and hardly had a day off sick. Sixteen years is a long time. I was good at my job and never wanted to do anything else. It must be awful having to do a job you hate. 

It's the last five or six years that have changed everything. When I first got ill, I couldn't cope with the pressure. It's a very people orientated job and when you're depressed it's almost impossible to engage with others without them noticing when something's wrong. It wasn't so bad when I was a bit high as I felt I could cope with anything and probably took on too much. It's ok having all these great ideas and starting projects but when things come down you're left with an overwhelming amount to do. With all that's happened I obviously had loads of time off. I'd be off for a few weeks or even months, then back for a few months, then off again. It wasn't really fair for my colleagues. Each time I was off, the harder it was to go back. When you feel like you've let people down it eats away at your confidence and self esteem.

I'm sure if I didn't work for the NHS I'd have been out a lot sooner. They have to follow procedures and, well I can't fault how they handled that side of it.They have tried their hardest to keep me at work but this time they couldn't do any more. 

We're only a small team and I've known all my workmates for years. That was a great help in the beginning but as time went on I wished I worked somewhere where no one knew me. I felt towards the end that they were analysing every little thing I did and blaming it on me being bipolar. Maybe thats not the case but thats what it felt like. I couldn't be in a really "good " mood without being labelled high and if I was not very happy one day then I was obviously depressed. Someone had a fall when I was in charge and it turned into a huge deal.Apparently I acted out of character and didn't do what they thought I'd do. In the end it was deemed that I'd done nothing wrong and it was an accident.  I am 100% certain if I didn't have bipolar it would have been dealt with completely differently. I can't blame them but I never felt comfortable at work again. Apart from working directly with clients I've pretty much hated every minute of it for months. 

I know that I'd still be good at my job if given the chance. When I'm well I know I can do it. I just can't cope with all the uncertainty and unpredictability . I need routine.

I don't  know what I'll do now. They have three months to try and find me something suitable within the organisation...if not that's it. I don't rate my chances of finding much else with my record. I need to work. I need to earn money and I need to have a purpose. It's a worrying time.