If you tell they won't  believe you.

For years I never thought of it as rape.

When someone you know does something to you so wrong and so bad, you almost think it was right..

You can't tell anyone either.

I've never told anyone about this before....not even my husband.

It's something I've kept tucked away inside for over twenty years. I think writing my blog and thinking about things that have happened in my life brought it back into my mind. 

I have to be so careful not to write anything that would identify the person. It would cause too much upset.

We'd been on a night out , my friend, her partner and me. Just the three of us. I was just twenty. It was a good night and I remember being a bit pissed. I nearly always ended up pissed at that age ! I think we'd been to a nightclub.

I never liked her boyfriend that much. He always made me feel uneasy. Can't really say why, he just did.

I was ready for sleep as soon as we got in. I was sleeping on the sofa.

The second my head hit the pillow the light went on. It was him. He had a glass of water and some headache tablets. He told me to take the tablets as it would stop me from getting a hangover. I was tired and I just took them. 

The next time I woke up it was pitch black and I felt freezing cold. I felt something brush against my leg. I tried to scream but nothing came out. I could make out two shadows. I knew it was him. The other one was the dog.

I tried to pull the covers over me but couldn't move. I was naked and cold and I didn't feel right. I  heard him say  "here  boy" and then I felt the dog licking my legs. I can't describe what happened next. I had no control over what he did. I was terrified . When he'd finished he covered me up, kissed my forehead and left the room. 

I don't remember anything after that. 

In the morning , when my friend was in the shower he said " It was a bad dream. You were drunk. If you say a word they will never believe you". I didn't say a word.
Another reason why I will never trust anyone fully.