A Fresh Start? 

I'm so happy that I've got a new job. I've struggled for a long time at work and to get the chance for a fresh start, where no one knows about my bipolar, is amazing. So how come I just threw up at the thought of it. It's not that I'm not looking forward to it. I'm just scared I'm going to muck it up. On paper it's the perfect job for me. All the years I've spent in physio and all the experience I've got will mean I should be able to do it no problem. I just worry about the whole thing. What if I  can't get up in the mornings? What if I get ill again and have to go off sick? What if they notice anything strange about me? What if I completely fuck up the last chance of a decent job I'm ever going to get? 

I don't know why I can't just be happy and enjoy it. I always end up doing this. I've had so much crap in my life over the last few years I find it almost impossible to believe that things might just be going my way. Bloody hell, talk about feeling sorry for myself! Of course as far as anyone else is concerned there's nothing wrong. I will put on a great show of enthusiasm and make sure everyone knows how happy I am about it all. 

There's no real reason why things should go wrong. I know I am quite capable of doing the job. I know it's something I will enjoy. I love hands on physio and that's what I'll be doing. 

I suppose it is quite normal to be nervous. I've just got to be careful I don't let my fears get the better of me. The last thing I need is to have a complete meltdown over the one thing that could help keep me well. 

I don't know how I can go from oozing with confidence to feeling like a rabbit in the headlights within hours. It's a horrible feeling but something I have sort of got used to. The only good thing is that at least I realise it . I just have to keep telling myself that everything will be ok in the end and if its not I'll get over  it.