At a snails pace

As well as bipolar mood changes, one of the most difficult things to cope with are the changes in energy levels and sleep that run alongside. For months on end I've got by with hardly any sleep at all. Two to three hours a night, maybe four if I've been lucky....sometimes no sleep at all. I did feel a bit tired at times but not all the time. I'd think nothing of being up and "doing" at 3 o'clock in the morning. I was so much more active. I had energy to burn. I've been expecting things to change but I must admit I am struggling. For the last few nights I've slept solid. I've been ready for my bed at 10 o'clock and slept right through until the alarm goes off at seven. Nine hours without any disturbance. That's a huge difference. You'd think I'd feel better for it. Trouble is I don't . Physically I feel worse. I feel more tired than ever. I feel like someone has literally sucked every last bit of energy out of me. My whole body aches. By the time I've taken the dog out and tidied up a bit I'm ready to sleep again. Yesterday I sat down with a coffee at 9 am and must have nodded off. I woke up two hours later with Libby (my dog) nudging me to get up! I'm sure if it wasn't for her I'd sleep all day and night. Every little thing is a huge effort. It's so frustrating. I can't imagine how people manage to do everything. I can't imagine how I used to look after a child, a husband, a house and garden.....now sometimes it takes such a huge effort just to get myself dressed. I feel about a hundred years old and I look like shit. I found myself crying because I needed to wash my hair and the effort just seemed too much. I find myself crying a lot. I don't really know why. I don't know that there's much I can do about it. I'm trying my hardest to keep going and that's all I can do. I went to my sisters over the weekend and it was a lovely day but by the time I got home I just felt so drained and overwhelmed by it all. I'm trying to keep doing the essential things. I know if I let my flat get in a mess, especially with the dog, I'll get in such a state over it I won't be able to do anything.  It's funny, I always think I've got good insight into my moods, yet it's only after the event I realise the full impact. Even though I was irritable and twitchy when I was "high", I think I'd rather be like that than how I am now......miserable, unmotivated and absolutely exhausted. Of course at the time I was wishing for calm. Now I'm doing everything at a snails pace and there's nothing I can do about it. My mind and body just won't let me go any quicker. What I really need is to be somewhere in between but it's not happening yet. It's so hard when it seems I go from one extreme to another with no real let up in between. I often feel like just giving up but I know I can't. I'm still hopeful that the meds will start working properly again soon. I've felt a lot worse than this before and that in itself gives me a reason not to give up. I might be slow but as long as I don't stop things will be ok eventually.

Pet Therapy

If you're depressed then you're depressed. It's got nothing to do with what your doing or not doing. I agree that having a routine and things to do helps. I agree that shutting yourself away can make things feel worse but depression is an illness. If you have sickness and diarrhoea, carrying on with your daily routine doesn't stop it. Yes you can help yourself by drinking plenty of water and resting but the illness has to take its course. Yes you can help yourself with depression but it's not as simple as just "keeping busy".  There's a big difference between being sad or lonely or bored even and being depressed. 

Whenever I've been "high" it's inevitable that a "low" period follows. The more I learn about bipolar and how it affects me the more I can try to do things to help myself. I think the medication is slowly kicking in again. I'm much less irritated. When I saw my psychiatrist, if he didn't tell me once he told me about 10 times to make sure I keep taking my medication! My GP was the same. Of course now I know that the consequences of no medication are not good I will stick with it. The Lithium at least. 

So, I decided to get a pet. I've never been much of a dog person but my son had the most beautiful Rottweiler and I loved her. My best friend has a puppy and he's brought her so much pleasure. Both my sisters have dogs. Nearly everyone I spoke to thought it would be a good idea. I live on my own and I have so much time on my hands. With my mood so unstable lately work hasn't been a option and it's been doubly hard to get into any sort of "normal" routine. I thought getting a dog would help give me a purpose again as well as some company. 

Well I've had her for just over a week and I have to say what a huge difference she has made to my life already. I just love her. I haven't found having her easy. In fact I have felt quite overwhelmed at times by taking on such a huge responsibility. I am petrified that I'll get really ill again and not be able to cope. I know from experience that I start something and it's all good but then my mood changes and it all goes haywire. I need a back up plan in case anything happens to me but I can't quite work it out yet. The thing is, I am coping now. I have to. I can't let her down. She is totally dependent on me. My mood is low but I am 100% certain that without my new little friend things would be worse. I have to get myself at least partly organised. She has given me a reason to get out of the house, a reason to keep going. Even when I've wanted to shut myself away I've had to do things. She seems to sense if I'm down and snuggles in on my lap and when I cry she snuggles in closer. She helps lift my mood just by being there. I've found myself laughing and smiling at her antics. She's such a clever little thing and each day as I teach her something new I get a huge sense of satisfaction. 

I'm still not sleeping properly but I am going to bed and getting some sleep, which is an improvement. I'm finding it hard to keep on top of everything that needs to be done and sometimes even the simplest thing seems like such huge deal. I get upset that I find life so fucking hard when to most people it seems like I have it easy. I get frustrated with myself for not being able to do everything I think I should be able to do. I have to keep telling myself that it's ok and that I am doing well. I know that it may take some time for my medication to reach its full effect. I also know that medication is only part of what I need to keep me well. I know I have done the right thing by getting my dog. She can't take away my symptoms. She can't "cure" me  anymore than medication can but she's definitely been great "therapy" so far. She's definitely playing a huge part in my recovery. She's definitely given me something to think about other than myself. She's definitely a friend already. 

Bipolar versus Life

Sunday was one of the most difficult days I've had in a long time. Even back on the meds I still can't sleep properly. My doctor agreed that Quetiapine is not right for me so prescribed Clonazepam instead. It's supposed to calm me and help me sleep. I did fall asleep quickly but woke at 3am and stayed awake. I feel very fragile. I feel panicky. I'm not hypomanic anymore. I feel so much calmer but I am tearful and scared about what may come. I know that whenever I've been hypomanic before it's usually followed by a crash. My mood plummets and before I know it I'm fighting depression. I couldn't go to my mums either because I couldn't trust myself to drive that far. I feel drained and I can't concentrate for that long. Short journeys are ok but even then it takes all my concentration. I'm trying to be positive but life just gets in the way. I feel like everyone is slowly abandoning me. Of course that's not true.
It's was also Mother's Day and yet again I never heard a word from my son. Not even a text. I haven't heard from him since his Birthday when he called me to ask if I was going to give him any birthday money. I knew he wanted it to buy heroin so I didn't give him any. We didn't fall out or argue over it but once I'd said no the conversation stopped. That was just over two months ago. I've tried to contact him since but he never answers his phone. If he can call when he wants something then why couldn't he have called on Sunday? I doubt I even crossed his mind and that really hurts. I read countless Mother's Day messages on Facebook and I wanted to be happy for people but I felt jealous and sad and devastated. Then I felt really guilty. The only comfort is the fact that I'm sure if he was in real trouble I would have heard somehow. I just wonder what goes through his mind. He must have known how upset I would be. Maybe he never gave me a thought. Maybe he's scared to contact me. Maybe he's ashamed. I worry that he's in such a mess that he just doesn't realise or care. I try to put him out of my mind but it's impossible.
I cried a lot but I do take comfort in the fact that I have such amazing support. It's the little things that people do that make such a huge difference . My best friend sent me a message with just kisses. Her son sent me a text saying he loved me. Another young friend texted me to say thankyou for being like a mother to her. Nothing can make up for the fact that my own son seems to have disappeared but knowing people genuinely care eases some of the pain.
I have to be sensible now and realise that it's going to take a bit of time to get myself back on a level. Meds don't work in an instant and having extra stress has a huge impact. I'm definitely better than I have been but I've got a fair way to go to get back into a "normal" routine. I'm trying to look on my experience of coming off meds as a positive thing. I tried and it didn't work but at least I now know I can't cope without and at least I have a better understanding of what moods and behaviours are caused by bipolar, what are the side effects of medication and what are just normal reactions to life. I think I would have inevitably done it at some point. I had the notion that maybe I'd turn out not to have bipolar at all but deep down knew that could never be possible. I think because of all the support I've had I'm getting through it without having done too much damage...I hope so anyway. I have bipolar disorder, I can't deny it and I have to manage it but at the end of the day I'm still me.

Hypomania ...the good, the bad and the bloody ridiculous

How I ended up being escorted to the doctors by my care coordinator and having to take medication in front of her to make sure I took it, to "calm me down", I don't know. Well, actually I do know and I'm feeling pretty stupid and pretty scared.  I guess I'm quite fortunate in that I have reasonable insight into my moods. That doesn't mean I can control what I'm feeling or always immediately do anything about it but at least I recognise when things aren't quite right. I think so anyway.

I felt myself getting more and more hyped up over a few days. It's difficult to describe. I know I was hypomanic. I know all the signs. I know I was building up to it.  A lot of people think of hypomania as being happy and full of energy and creativity and a good state to be in. Not so for me. Yes at times I felt happier than I have done for months, elevated, excited even but not always appropriate for the situation. The twitching, the irritability, the nervous energy, the thoughts and ideas scrambling about in my head, the frustration. It was bloody hard work. Yes, I did find myself being more creative. I've been doing some drawing, something I've wanted to do for months but whenever I tried it just turned out crap. Even that, though enjoyable was born out of a sense of urgency. I felt that once I'd decided to do it I had no choice. I produced some really good pictures. I even wrote some poems. I never write bloody poems! I've never even wanted to but again the ideas popped into my head and I just had to do it.
I bought a guitar. I've often thought about learning to play an instrument. Well there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. What was wrong was the fact that I've no idea why I thought I needed a guitar....yes  "needed" a guitar. I had an uncontrollable urge to buy it. Even though I haven't got a spare £100 to spend I couldn't rest until I'd bought one. I don't really know what on earth I thought would have happened if I didn't buy it but I just had to have it.
I found being on my own more difficult than normal and wanted to be near people yet when I was with anyone it was such hard work to try and curb my behaviour. As soon as I got near anyone I couldn't seem to contain my excitement and I couldn't keep still, or shut up. I'm lucky that I've got people who know me and don't judge me. When I went to visit my mum in hospital I had to use every ounce of strength to try and keep calm. Whenever I left someone and was driving home I just seemed to flip. The music was blaring, I put my foot down and every other driver was a wanker. I felt almost ecstatic to be racing as fast as I could. When I visited my best friend, by the time she opened the door I was laughing and crying at the same time. I had no idea what the fuck was going on. I couldn't tell you if I was happy or sad, just a bit frightened and confused at that point. 
I found myself staying up all night. I didn't even try to get to sleep. I don't really know what I was doing all night. Day and night just seemed to mingle into one.
I got it into my head that I could command things to happen. I'm too embarrassed to say what but I spent hours commanding this and that to happen. I really believed it and when it didn't work I got really upset. I spent hours reading stuff online about the power of thought and mind over matter. Ordinarily I think it's a load of cobblers. 
Sex is another thing. I have no safety net now.  I found myself thinking about a certain person almost constantly. I knew it wasn't right. I'm not taking to being celibate very well, especially while I'm in this frame of mind. All I can do is keep myself away from situations where I might end up doing something I shouldn't. I'm craving physical contact but I just don't think it will ever be the same with anyone else. I don't want casual sex with just anybody. Frustrated is an understatement. I daren't go online and I daren't go anywhere where I might meet men.
Flipping from happy and excited and full of big ideas to angry and frustrated and irritable is not a great place to be. As for "real life", looking for a job, getting into a routine, sorting out my finances, eating properly, keeping fit, it all seems to have gone out of the window.

So, when my care coordinator came to visit me, straight away she said she was concerned about how "high" I was. I was trying to explain to her but I found myself switching from one subject to another. I knew for my own sake I needed to tell her what was going on. I knew I needed her help but I couldn't stop laughing even though I was trying to be serious. When she asked if she could call my GP and the psychiatrist I remember thinking "whatever".  Even when she drove me to the surgery and we were put in a room (not the public waiting room) to wait for my doctor I found it difficult to take in. When my GP came in he told me he'd spoken to my psychiatrist and that they'd agreed that I was hypomanic and heading towards mania and that I needed to go back on the Quetiapine. I think I told him to fuck off and that I was never going back on it again. Part of me could sense the seriousness of the situation but another part of me found it all so funny. I was sitting in a swivel chair and it was really distracting me. He told me that if I didn't take the meds I'd most probably end up in hospital and then I would have no choice. It seemed like we were there for ages. I felt like a child being told what to do.  I got what he was saying. I know he was right. It was just difficult to organise myself and my thoughts. I think I agreed to take a small dose for a week.....mostly to shut them up. My care coordinator persuaded me to take it then and there.
I find it hard to believe but within a couple of hours I'd nodded off in the chair and slept for 2 hours solid. I slept that night too and the next. On the third day I felt so miserable I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop eating too. I was ravenous. I know it was the Quetiapine. I decided not to take anymore. I figured I'd calmed down enough and that hopefully the Lithium would kick and stop me from getting too high again. I feel reasonably ok now. What scares me more than anything is the thought of crashing into depression. I've never experienced full blown mania. My episodes tend to be mixed followed by depression. I feel like an idiot at the moment and I feel like I'm to blame. When I see my doctor I need to try and explain that yes I realise I can't manage without medication but that I'm not prepared to go back on a medication that just doesn't suit me. Lithium is fine but Quetiapine is not for me. I want to be compliant. I don't want to get really ill again but there must be alternatives. I can't go back to feeling how I did when I was on Quetiapine. I can't put up with the shitty side effects and I can't spend the whole time worrying that it could contribute to another heart attack. Now that I feel a little bit more in control I hope I can discuss it with him sensibly. 

I can't keep still!

The last few days have been getting more and more difficult. My Mum is in hospital and I'm really worried about her. I know that the stress is not helping my mood. I've only been back on the Lithium for a few days so I doubt it's doing anything yet. At times I feel exhausted yet I seem to have so much nervous energy. I feel restless and I'm finding it hard to keep still. If I try to keep still it's worse. I find myself jumping out of the chair or kicking my legs about.  It's like I just can't relax. I find myself grinding my teeth. I'm swearing a lot too. I feel like I want to scream. I just don't really know what to do with myself. I have bursts of energy where I get stuff done but I'm not very organised and get distracted. I'm not really doing the things I'm supposed to be doing. Sleep is getting less and less. I'm flitting from one thing to another. My mind is just crammed with "stuff" at the moment. I've been writing and drawing a bit, which channels some of it but that's pretty sporadic. I've got so many thoughts and ideas I can't keep up with myself. When I'm on my own at the moment I feel pretty stir crazy.  This is when I miss having someone around.  I want to talk and I crave physical contact.
I've spoken to a few people about it and I'm thinking of getting a dog. I need something to love and look after. I know I'm always having mad ideas but I think a dog might just help me settle a bit. I know it's a huge responsibility but it could be just what I need. I have so much time on my hands and it certainly won't be short of attention. I'm sure having something that depends on me will help me to get back into some routine. I've read countless stories of how having a pet can help with mental health. 

 When I first got ill I developed a "twitch" in my right thigh. The muscle was almost continually contracting and I had no control over it. I saw a movement disorder specialist in London and she diagnosed idiopathic myoclonus. Basically she couldn't say for definite why I'd developed it but it was most likely psychogenic ....originates from the mind. I find that really hard to get my head round. How can something that is so obviously physical be caused by what goes on in my mind? I convinced myself that it was yet another side effect of medication or that I'd developed some awful neurological condition. I tried my hardest to stop it but that just made it worse. The more I was conscious of it the more intense it became. I became so self conscious about it. It was noticeable to other people, especially my husband at night. He used to get really cross because I couldn't keep still. He often ended up sleeping in the other room. Sometimes my leg was twitching so hard it was painful. No amount of trying to consciously control it made any difference. Unless I was concentrating hard or fully engrossed in something it was there. I couldn't keep still and I felt restless and agitated.  It was always there and always worse at night. I was given a Botox injection in the muscle every few months, which really helped. It almost immediately eased the severity of the muscle jerking. Eventually it disappeared and the treatment stopped. If I think back it was at its worst when my bipolar wasn't under control. Now it's come back with a vengeance and if I'm honest it has to be because I'm not really well at the moment. I don't know if it's a side effect of coming off meds.  I don't know if it's very common for people with bipolar to develop movement disorders. There doesn't seem to be much information about it. I know psychomotor agitation is a symptom of hypomania or mania. What I also know is it's embarrassing and it's starting to get me down. I was at a friends last night and it was so hard to settle. I felt like I'd got ants in my pants! I'm just hoping things will settle as the meds get back into my system.

I told you so

Sometimes it doesn't matter what anyone says. You don't believe it until find out for yourself.
I know I'm not very well. It's all starting again. I've had a really hard time this week. I feel like I don't know if I'm coming or going.  I'm constantly worrying about what I've done or not done, what I've said or shouldn't have said. When I first came off meds I felt so much better for a while. I lost that "numb" feeling. I felt more alive. I convinced myself that medication was to blame for everything and that maybe it was all a huge mistake and I'd eventually go back to "normal".  I've realised that I've got to do certain things to keep well but that at the moment I just can't. It's not a case of failing or being weak. It's all happening again. I find myself thinking and doing things which I know aren't quite right. I can't help what goes on in my head. I've been doing things that I know won't help me yet I can't seem to stop it. I know I need to eat. It's a basic thing but at the moment I'm just not able to eat properly. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I've lost weight and I'm scared I'll put it back on again. I don't know if it's because I'm just not hungry. I'm really trying but I just seem to have a mental block. When I did make myself eat a proper meal I felt so bad I went straight into the bathroom and made myself sick. 
I know I need to sleep but I haven't even got into bed for the last three nights. I'm tired, I must be, yet I've got so much nervous energy. I can't settle...now how does that make sense?
I hardly ever drink but the other night I got myself so drunk. I was on a mission to drown everything out. I haven't got a clue what I was doing. All I achieved was a massive hangover and more worry. 
I'm trying not to drive far. Last time I drove home I was driving dangerously. I know I was doing it. I didn't care that if I got caught doing over 100 mph I'd be in trouble. The thought of crashing didn't bother me. I just wanted to get home as quickly as possible.
My mood is so all over the place. It's a horrible combination of everything. Mixed up and not making much sense one minute then thinking I've got it all sussed the next. I feel agitated and twitchy. I can't keep up with everything I think I need to do. I'm not depressed and I'm not manic. I know that. I'm not sure what I am. My best friend picked up on it. She said if I didn't go to the doctors she would have to ring herself. I trust what she tells me and I want to talk to her about stuff but I find myself thinking that I must be pissing her off. I find myself thinking about dying. I find myself thinking about how I'd end it all. Those thoughts really scare me. The thing is they come and go so quickly. I feel great one minute because I think I have all the answers to everything then I find myself sobbing uncontrollably because I have no idea what to do. I pretty much had a melt down in the doctors. He said he had no joy in telling me I told you so but that I had to realise that I had a serious mental illness and that by refusing to take my meds I was making myself ill. He said he was worried I could end up being in hospital again and then I'd have no choice. He was so worried that he called the mental health crisis team. 
They sent someone to see me and it did help.  He made me realise that while my reasons were valid I probably stopped my medication in the worst possible way...abruptly and because I was feeling shit. He made me realise that if I don't get my mood balanced enough to be able to do what I need to do to stay well then things can only get worse. He said that medication wasn't going to cure everything but maybe that I should see it as a tool. He said that maybe some of my problems were medication related but not all. Maybe I just wasn't on the right combination or dose. The thought of going back on meds really frightens me. He suggested that I just try the Lithium again and if that stabilised my mood enough maybe I could try again without at a later date and in a more controlled way. I know what he said made sense. 
There was a period when I came out of hospital and I felt really well. I was happy to be on meds then. I think I've been in denial. I guess I have to face up to what everyone's telling me. Maybe I needed to prove to myself that the diagnosis is not wrong. I have bipolar and I have to take responsibility. It's about coping and feeling well, not trying to make it disappear. If I need meds to help me do that then so be it. It's been a hard decision to make but I'm going to restart the Lithium at least. A good friend of mine pointed out to me that when I stopped my medication I was adamant that if it all went tits up I'd start taking it again. Best take my own advice. 

To blog or not to blog?

So I've ended up writing a blog about wether or not I should be writing blogs!!!!! Just about sums up my frame of mind at the moment. Sometimes I don't know why I'm even bothering to write this blog. I started it because it somehow helped to just write stuff down. I had the notion that sharing my experiences might be interesting and useful. Sometimes it gives me a huge sense of relief to write my thoughts down. I never really thought of the consequences. I'm trying to work out where I'm at right now and I read back over some of my past blogs. All I've done is make myself miserable. When it boils down to it nothing ever changes. If I did meet someone special and they read it I guess they'd run a mile. I haven't exactly portrayed myself as the most stable person. 
 If I just give up on it I'll feel like I've failed yet again but I can't really see much point to it anymore. I always have big ideas and start things that I never finish. I suppose a blog like mine doesn't really have a beginning or end. I have had some really positive things come out of it. I've met people who tell me it's helped to know there are other people out there who experience the same things. I've been able to get things off my chest that I wouldn't dare have spoken about to anyone before. My sister told me she has a better understanding of bipolar and how it affects me. I don't know, maybe some things would have been better left unsaid. I get like this every now and then. Have I actually posted anything worthwhile or have I just made myself look like a complete freak?  Trouble is once something is said it can't be unsaid. I've never lied in any of my blogs but I worry that I say too much. I know people read it because I've had thousands of page views but who really gives a shit anyway?  I still keep writing it. I feel almost compelled to keep writing it.
 I've tried so hard over the last few weeks to get my life back in order. I've tried to be realistic. I've tried to just get on with things. Maybe I'm trying too hard.
All day every day I feel like I'm being bombarded with advice about what I should or shouldn't be doing. How to keep fit, how to stay healthy, what to eat, what to wear, what to read, what to say, how to be happy, what to think ......It's just constant. It's everywhere. 
I know what I should be doing. Knowing what to do and actually doing it are two completely different things.
I don't really know what to say. I hate myself for being this way. I don't mean to be selfish. I just can't stand it any longer. It's not a case of being sad or feeling sorry for myself. I just can't see any point. I don't know why people even give me the time of day. What do I actually do for anyone? All I seem to do is fuck up. I know there are people far worse off than me and that makes me feel even more pathetic and guilty. I wouldn't want to be friends with me. I'm not stupid, I'm not unintelligent. Sometimes that makes it worse. I can think about things logically, I can find an explanation for most things. I can talk rationally about things and even convince myself what I'm saying is true. I make plans for all sorts in my head. I feel better about things then whats in my mind just starts taking over and everything is fucked up again. Everything just gets confused and mixed up in my thoughts. What I can't do is take away the pain. I can laugh and joke and pretend but when it boils down to it I'm just so unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy. I'm surrounded by people and yet I'm so lonely. I really do think I'm crazy. My mind is just constantly going over and over things. I need it to stop. I'm terrified of life at the moment. I'm terrified of death too. I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of hell and I don't know how to get out. I guess I do need help but I don't know what anyone can do. I'm not going back on medication.Nothing was any different on medication. 
Maybe I'm writing my blogs in the hope that someone, somewhere will read it and give me all the answers. I know that's not possible and I probably wouldn't listen anyway. 

Closure

Since Christmas I've been trying to sort out my life and I've had to make some huge decisions. The biggest decision so far and probably one of the most important decisions I've ever made has been to cut all ties with my ex husband. I decided that I have to bury him in the past for good. I'll never be able to move on completely while he's still in the background. It scares me. Even though it's been over three years since we split, he's always managed to find a way to get involved. He's always been there just enough to keep something going but without any commitment. He's repeatedly told me it's because he still loves me and cares about me and wants to stay friends. He wants me to turn to him every time something happens. He said he will always be there for me. I think I've realised at last that what he's saying is ridiculous. He can't be there. He has a whole new life without me. Where was he when I was crying myself to sleep on Christmas Eve? Where is he when I'm sitting at home alone wondering where on earth my life is going? Where is he when I wake up some mornings and just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is ok?  It's all bollocks. He can tell me he still cares about me and that he still loves me a million times. It means nothing. It's just words. How can we still be friends? Friends don't have to hide away from the world. Friends don't have to be friends in secret. If we were true friends I could pop round to his for a cuppa and if his girlfriend happened to be there it shouldn't make any difference. Friends don't make each other miserable. I have true friends. I don't need a fair weather one.
I knew exactly the moment when I decided I'd had enough. We went out for a meal, miles away from anywhere. I suspect he didn't want anyone to find out. As we were chatting he told me how well he thought I was doing now I was off my meds. He said " I always knew if you put your mind to it you could beat this thing". He doesn't know fuck all. He will never "get it". He thinks he knows about me and about bipolar. That comment just made me realise how clueless he really is and always will be. He thinks I can "cure" myself.
I wrote to him the next day. I told him you either want to be with someone or you don't. I told him if he wanted to be friends then it had to be open and honest. I told him that what wasn't ok was to keep making me believe that there could be a chance we might get back together one day. If he had told me that it was me he really wanted after all I have to admit that even though I've said it could never happen, I would have given him another chance. 
He didn't reply so I wrote again and told him I'd made the decision to cut him out of my life completely. I told him I didn't want any contact at all. No emails asking how I am, no turning up thinking he can tell me how I should be running my life, no meddling. I told him if anything happens to me again I don't want him anywhere near.  
He said he hadn't replied because he didn't know what to say, so true to form said nothing. He said he only ever did what he did because he loved me but if that's what I really wanted he would respect that. I do believe him but it's not a good enough reason to carry on as we are.
I haven't heard a thing for over two weeks now and I'm glad. For once he is doing the right thing by leaving me alone.
I still have some of my things in the loft at my old house. I will have to go collect it. I can't even remember exactly what's there so I need to go and look. I know there are all the photos of my son as a baby, stuff I had from school and college, stuff you collect over the years that have no material value but hold so many memories. I always was a bit sentimental about keeping certain things. I even kept the cork out of the bottle of champagne I had for my 21st and the Valentines card I got from my first boyfriend. I can't leave all that there. There's our wedding photos, video and cards. I don't know if I even want to keep them but if anyone is going to chuck them out it will be me. I'm not having someone else do it. I'll leave it a bit, but not too long. While it's there it's just an excuse to get in contact again. I'm going to take someone with me when I go. I'm sure it will be horrible and emotional. I don't want to be on my own in that situation. I don't want him trying to weedle his way in again.
I am upset. I don't hate him. I still love him. I just don't like who he has become. I won't ever be able to forget the past completely... I don't want to. I'll choose to remember what doesn't upset me. When you've had someone in your life for so long....even when it's not always been that great, it's frightening to think that they will be gone completely. It's also been positive for me.  I haven't thought about him that much at all. People have been telling me since we split that it's best to just go your own separate ways. They kept telling me I needed closure. I never took any notice. I guess I had to wait until I was ready. I do feel better about it all now. I don't need him at all. I don't want to be someone's second best. I'd rather be on my own. I feel strangely free.

I know but I don't !

There's a huge difference between normal mood swings and bipolar mood changes. I know that and have to try and keep things in perspective. I know the signs and I know that I can't blame everything on bipolar. At the same time I don't know. I think things are still ok. I'm still managing to keep my head....sort of. I think I'm mostly reacting normally to situations. It's just that I'm back to the constant racing thoughts. It's non stop. My mind is going from one thing to another at 100 miles an hour. I'm constantly having conversations in my head. I find myself talking out loud to people when I'm on my own. I keep going over and over and over the same things. One minute I'm ok about something then the next its a huge issue again. It's quite monotonous and unless I'm fully occupied, like when I'm at work, it is just time consuming. Sometimes I have the most bizarre stuff going on in my head. I feel very self conscious at the moment and a bit paranoid. I mostly think everyone thinks I'm stupid. I seem to be losing hours. I sat down yesterday at 4 o'clock and the next minute it was midnight and I haven't really got a clue what I was doing in-between. I forgot to have any dinner. I'm just not hungry.  I didn't even get up to get a drink or go to the loo. I still think it's mostly to do with lack of sleep, not the start of any major episode.  I don't know what the answer is. Keep busy and wait and and see I guess. As soon as I stop doing then I lose all concentration and away I go with the thoughts again. Once I lose focus I'm finding it hard to get back on track. I like to be organised but I find myself flitting from one thing to another and getting in a right old mess. Maybe I'll wear myself out so much that eventually I'll sleep for a week! I tried a herbal remedy that's supposed to aid sleep but it was crap. I don't really want to but I might have to ask my GP if I can maybe have just a weeks supply of proper sleeping tablets. Trouble is, I know what he'll say....go back on your meds.
I've decided to start trying to keep a mood diary again. When I was first diagnosed it really helped to track my moods and give me more insight into what was going on. I'm determined to keep on top of things. I know that I need to look after myself first. It's pretty basic stuff really but not sleeping and forgetting to eat and being inactive by sitting in the chair for hours are going to impact on my mood. I can't afford to be complacent. Just because I haven't had any major mood shifts since coming off meds doesn't mean I'm suddenly bipolar free. It's great to just get on with things without constantly relating everything to bipolar but at the same time I need to be vigilant. I need to be prepared. I've had so much going on. Stuff with my ex husband, my son and now the job I thought I'd got might not be permanent. It's all stuff I am coping with but if I start to get ill it all gets harder, then it's like a vicious circle. The more stressed I get the less care I take and everything just seems too much. That's when it becomes a problem. I don't know, I know but I don't! 

No regrets, just great memories

So, after two years it really has come to an end this time and it really is ok. Having a "relationship" with someone that is nothing more than sex is not something I ever thought I'd do. Not one that lasted so long anyway. I wouldn't have thought it was possible. I'm sure people do it all the time. Ok, so there were a few times where I wondered what on earth I was doing and questioned my feelings for him but I can honestly say that I have had some of the best moments with him and I have good memories that will last forever. I doubt he realised but he helped me get through some tough times.
I was so scared when he said he needed to talk. We never really talked. It's always been just about the sex. I knew what was coming and it sent me into a panic. I guessed he'd met someone and wanted to tell me that we would have to stop meeting up. All sorts of crazy things went through my mind. I convinced myself that I must be in love with him and I'd be miserable without him. I got myself so upset that I just cried and cried. I know now that I reacted like that because of the fear of change and the fear of losing something that's been so good from my life. When he did come round and speak to me about it I realised that yes of course I care and of course I have feelings but that what we'd had never was going to go anywhere. We both knew that from the start. In real life we are worlds apart. We both needed something physical at the time and it suited us both. We knew what we were doing and it was what it was. When he told me about her it did feel strange but I couldn't help but feel happy for him. I really do wish him well. He's a genuinely lovely person. Sometimes I think if you really do care about someone you have to put your own feelings aside and be pleased for them. We didn't have sex. We decided it wouldn't be right.... not even one last time. I'm glad. Twice before we've said it was over and then just carried on. I know it's different this time and somehow I feel relieved. I have been worrying about how it would ever come to a conclusion. I'm just so pleased it ended in a good way. It's inevitable that we'll bump into each other but I know it will be ok. I'd like to think that we will remain on good terms and there's no reason why we shouldn't. I wish him nothing but happiness. I will miss having someone to call on when I'm feeling horny! :-) but at the moment I think I'm going to be celibate for a bit and just be. Maybe one day I'll meet someone to share my life with fully but I'm not going to worry about it.
So, another part of my life sorted. 
The times I spent with him were special. I have no regrets. I'm glad it happened. 

I'm actually ok!

I saw my care-coordinator today and I feel so much better. She helps me put things into perspective. She made me realise that actually I am coping really well and I am managing things in a pretty "normal" way. I'm actually ok!  She said that she hasn't noticed any significant changes in my behaviour since coming off the meds and that she would even go as far as to say compared to six months ago I seem much more "stable". She made me realise that maybe if I take a step back and look at all the stuff that's been going on I've actually got through it pretty well. The lack of sleep issue is a concern but she feels that as I continue to get things sorted in my relationships and job and everyday things, hopefully I'll settle back into a proper sleeping pattern. She agrees that as long as I try to keep to a routine and continue to have good insight into my feelings that there's no need to rush back into taking medication. I trust her judgement more than my psychiatrists.
I always worry that because I am not in a crisis or because I'm not taking meds that they will discharge me and I'll be left to fend for myself. Her view is that now is the time I need the support more than ever and that she wouldn't dream of discharging me until I am presenting as "stable" for at least a few months. I find that reassuring. 
I think I've been panicking unnecessarily. I do feel a bit high at times. I do feel depressed at times but I am able to control it. There have been times lately where I've wanted to do some pretty strange things...like drive round to someone's house at three in the morning because I need to tell them something immediately, like punch someone for looking at me in the wrong way, like run away again, like swallow all the leftover pills I've got... but I haven't done any of it because I can think it through. I am a bit over emotional and a bit tearful at times. I do get scared but I'm trying my hardest and no, things are not perfect and sometimes life is really difficult and sometimes I do struggle and sometimes I get it wrong ....but who doesn't? 

In my last blog I said I didn't know what to do. Turns out I'm already doing what I need to do.... Get on with it. 

I don't know what to do?

I just posted on Facebook ......"I can't believe that it's exactly a year ago that I was on my way to hospital and really thought I was going to kick the bucket! Right now I'm feeling extra grateful that I'm still here... And very much alive and kicking :-)"
Truth is,  I don't feel alive at all. I'm really struggling with everything and I don't know what to do. I keep telling everyone I'm fine. I'm not lying, a lot of the time I am. I am managing to get by. I'm managing to hide how I'm feeling but it's so hard. I keep telling myself I'm coping well but a lot of the time I'm not and I really don't know how to handle it. It's a couple of months now since I decided to stop my medication. I can't say if it's made any huge difference. I was a mess with it and I'm still a mess without it. Some things are better, some things are worse. I've got so much going on at the moment and I can't seem to work out what's what. I've got stuff going on that would test anyone's mental health....bipolar or not. I don't want to panic and go back on medication just because things aren't perfect in my life. I've been trying to sort things. 
 The best thing that's happened is that I've got a part time job. It's been really good for me so far. I've got something different to focus on for a few hours.
The worst thing is that I just can't sleep. I haven't had more than three or four hours sleep a night for weeks. Sometimes less. I go to sleep ok but I just keep waking up every five minutes. Then I can't stop ruminating about everything and everybody. It's wearing me down. I can't think straight. This is the first time I've written a blog for ages. It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's just that I haven't been able to concentrate for long enough to get it on paper.
When I went to see my psychiatrist last week he was adamant that he thinks I should go back on the Lithium. He gave me a long lecture about diabetes and what would happen if someone stops their insulin. I know all about diabetes, I don't need a lecture. It's a completely different thing. The only advice he gave about my sleep was to keep a sleep diary. I haven't done it. I can't. By the time I remember to do it I haven't got a clue what I was thinking of when I woke up in the night....anything and everything. I've got so much I want to write about but I've had enough for now. I'm reading back what I've written and I really don't have a clue if I'm making any sense at all. I feel really vulnerable at the moment and I know I need to try and get a grip before something bad happens. 

Jeremy Kyle....really?

Why on earth would anyone with an ounce of self respect or brains want to ring the Jeremy Kyle Show? I hate the Jeremy Kyle show. I only ever watch it if it happens to be on and there's nothing else to watch. It's just full of low life scum bags wanting to get on the telly or people so naive or desperate that they don't realise that they are being exploited and made to look ridiculous in front of millions of people. It's actually quite sad. It's a freak show. I don't know anyone who takes it seriously. I actually feel embarrassed to admit I've watched it. So how come I ended up going on the website to try and find out if I could get on the show. Every now and then they have a story about how they pay for an addict to go to rehab and then give them all the support needed to help them " rebuild their life". When you have no idea what to do about a situation all sorts of stupid things cross your mind. Sometimes you feel so desperate you'd consider anything. My son is a heroin addict and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. A million pounds wouldn't change that fact, so going on a stupid TV show wouldn't make any difference. Now I feel such an idiot for even contemplating it. The only way he'll stop being a heroin addict is if he chooses to. 
Not a word for weeks, absolutely nothing apart from a picture of him in the local paper saying he's wanted by the police. The only way to get through it was to keep telling myself that no news is good news. So to get a phonecall out of the blue was a huge relief. He didn't say much. He said he was ok and that he'd found some
money and bought a phone. I don't believe that for a minute. People don't just find money. He said he was staying with a friend. When I asked what he was doing he told me not to "start". I could tell by the tone of his voice there wasn't much point in trying to have a proper conversation. I told him I'd ring him in a few days. Instead of being happy I felt really cross. Not once did he say sorry about disappearing over Christmas, not once did he ask how I was, not once did he ask about my mum and dad or anyone else. Selfish little bastard.
I've spoken to him once since. He is staying with another addict. He says he's still using when he can afford it and that he's been selling scrap metal to get money. He says he knows he has to do something but doesn't know what yet. He doesn't want to see or talk to anyone else. I asked if there was anything I could do.....he said no. He's right. I'd do anything if I thought it would make a difference. I still love him but I don't really like him right now. 
It's his Birthday tomorrow. He's going to be 28. He should be enjoying his life right now. Drugs have taken his life away. I don't want to think about how he will be spending his day. 

I'm not giving up just yet

It's not even the end of January and this year is already starting to go downhill. I don't want to be miserable. I really don't. I want to try and be positive and look on the bright side. I'm not doing a very good job. Things have been much more difficult this week. Everyone is back to doing their own thing. Back to normal everyday life. I've been trying my hardest to do the same but it's just not that simple. I don't have a normal everyday life anymore. I seem to take a step forward and then something happens to push me back again. Physically I still feel better than when on the meds. I've been to the gym and have been trying to do some sort of exercise every day, even if it's just a walk. It's a huge effort and it's really frustrating that I can't do the things I did before. My heart rate seems to be going through the roof and I'm terrified I'm going to have another heart attack. I guess it takes time and patience. Well I've got all the time in the world but my patience isn't that great. I've tried to keep busy. If I'm busy then I can't think too deeply but my mind is on overdrive and I just can't seem to concentrate for very long. I don't think I've had more than two or three hours sleep for the last few nights. Even though I'm tired, as soon as my head hits the pillow it's as if someone's turned on a switch and all this "stuff" is racing around in my head. If I manage to get to sleep I'm waking up every five minutes. Every problem or thought seems to magnify itself a million times at 3 o'clock in the morning.
 I'm still trying to sort out the aftermath of everything that's gone on. My money situation is worse than I realised. The more I try and sort it out the more I realise what a hash I've made of it. I don't know where it's all gone. Trying to get a job is not that simple with my track record and trying to claim benefits is even more complicated. I don't want to claim benefits. I've always worked and I've always been independent. No one seems to know exactly where I fit into the system. In one breath they're telling me I'm not fit to work because of my health and the next I'm fit to work and need to be actively seeking employment. It's like a vicious circle. Now, to top it all I'm without a car. It's pathetic really how much I rely on it. It's not the end of the world but it's a pain in the arse and it's fucked up what little routine I have even more. I guess that makes me sound like a lazy, spoilt brat. I feel isolated and lonely. It's my own fault really. I have been so tempted to reach for the Clonazepam. I have a stash of it left over from before. I always used it as and when to help me sleep if I thought I was heading towards being manic. It pretty much knocks me out if I take enough of it. My mood has definitely taken a dip and it would be easy just to take a load of pills and sleep it all away. I really don't want to go down that route. It wouldn't change anything, I'd still have to face up to everything when I wake up. I'm sure I'd feel better if I got some proper sleep but it would probably be dangerous to start randomly popping pills and I really still want to try and stay medication free. I'm probably just having a bit of a bad few days. Well,  I'm not ready to give up just yet, I'm tougher than that.  I'll slap a smile on my face and get on with it. Things might not be great but they are no worse.

Don't you look well!

I have to smile when people keep telling me I look and sound really well with such a surprised look on their face. It's as if they are expecting me to sound like a blithering idiot and look like a bag of shit because I've stopped taking my tablets! I've lost count the number of times people have said it. It's quite flattering really and very encouraging.
 I don't know quite what's happening to me. I still feel ok off the meds but it's as if my emotions are suddenly waking up. Being on medication didn't take the emotions away but for a lot of the time numbed them. Now I seem to be getting a whole lot of feelings flooding in and it's taken me by surprise. I've been quite tearful but it's not the same as being depressed. I don't think I'm crying over things that don't warrant a tear, I just seem to be very emotional. I've also felt really happy but not the same as when I get high. I saw a rainbow this morning and it genuinely made me feel really good. Maybe this is what's called being normal? !!!!! 
I went to see my GP. Out of all the people that have been involved in my healthcare he is the one person that I trust and respect the most. He's been involved almost right from the start. I've been going to see him at least once a month for the last 7 years. He has seen me in just about every possible mood going. I had a double appointment so we could have a proper chat. I made sure I said everything I wanted to say before I listened to what he had to say. He agreed that he couldn't deny that what I was saying about why I wanted to come off the meds wasn't unreasonable and that how I was presenting was completely rational and grounded. He asked me if there was anything that he could say that would make me start taking my medication again. I told him that unless he told me I was going to drop down dead tomorrow, absolutely nothing. He said that was fair enough. He said he'd be surprised if I didn't have some sort of crisis within the next six weeks but that he hoped he was wrong. I have to see him again in two weeks. I'm ok with that. I'm being vigilant and if anything were to happen I have enough people looking out for me. I'm not stupid and I'd be quite happy to go back on medication if I really need to.
I've just seen my care coordinator and she said pretty much the same as my doctor. She said she wasn't at all surprised that I stopped the lithium too. She said that if she was in my situation maybe she would have done the same as at least I'll know for sure wether the medication made any real difference. The next few weeks are going to be the telling time. Right this minute I feel fine. I've had a good few days, I'm coping with the crap and I'm as prepared as I think I can be. 

Things can only get better

It's New Years Day and I just woke up and everything in the world is perfect. Now wouldn't that be great! Of course nothing has changed apart from maybe, along with millions of other people, there's an expectation that things will get better. A little bit of hope that the new year will bring better things. Nothing wrong with that.
That's it. I'm now completely medication free. Bipolar medication that is. I stopped the Lithium too. I made my mind up that I need to see what happens completely med free. I don't think I could survive another year like last year. I don't want to make things worse but they can't stay the same either. I don't want to spend half of my life wishing I was dead and the other half running around like a headless chicken doing absolutely nothing of any use. Since I was diagnosed I've done everything I've been told to do to try and keep myself well. I've taken every tablet, been to every appointment and followed every bit of advice. I put my trust in these "experts" but they haven't delivered. Not anymore. It hasn't worked so I'm going to do it my own way. 
My GP rang me at 7pm last night. A friend rang him to tell him I'd stopped taking my tablets. She told me she'd done it because she was really worried about what might happen. I wasn't very happy but I know she meant well. He asked me if I was ok and why hadn't I gone to him first to discuss it. He said I'd put myself at a high risk of relapse. He said things could get a whole lot worse and that I could end up on even more medication or back in hospital. I told him that I was willing to take that chance and that I wasn't prepared to carry on with things as they are. I asked him how he knew what was going to happen. What made him so sure I wouldn't be perfectly ok? He said he couldn't be sure. That's just it, they don't know. No one does. I agreed to go and see him next week but that I wasn't going to change my mind.
Last year wasn't all bad but mostly it was. If it wasn't for my best friend and a few other special people I do think I'd be dead. I'm not exaggerating. It's the truth. 
It's difficult to know how I feel at the moment because I've got a shitty cold. I didn't go out last night. I just didn't feel up to it. I made myself stay up to see the new year in. I cried and cried for most of the evening. Everything on TV reminded me of something or someone. When it got to midnight I cried even more. I'm never ever going to spend another new year on my own no matter how ill I feel. I was awake for most of the night and what a long night. When I finally went to bed I promised myself that things are going to get better. 
I've got so many things I have to do this year. Most importantly I need a job.
I'm hoping I'll start to feel better and then everything else will fall into place.