Sunday, 23 February 2014


Since Christmas I've been trying to sort out my life and I've had to make some huge decisions. The biggest decision so far and probably one of the most important decisions I've ever made has been to cut all ties with my ex husband. I decided that I have to bury him in the past for good. I'll never be able to move on completely while he's still in the background. It scares me. Even though it's been over three years since we split, he's always managed to find a way to get involved. He's always been there just enough to keep something going but without any commitment. He's repeatedly told me it's because he still loves me and cares about me and wants to stay friends. He wants me to turn to him every time something happens. He said he will always be there for me. I think I've realised at last that what he's saying is ridiculous. He can't be there. He has a whole new life without me. Where was he when I was crying myself to sleep on Christmas Eve? Where is he when I'm sitting at home alone wondering where on earth my life is going? Where is he when I wake up some mornings and just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is ok?  It's all bollocks. He can tell me he still cares about me and that he still loves me a million times. It means nothing. It's just words. How can we still be friends? Friends don't have to hide away from the world. Friends don't have to be friends in secret. If we were true friends I could pop round to his for a cuppa and if his girlfriend happened to be there it shouldn't make any difference. Friends don't make each other miserable. I have true friends. I don't need a fair weather one.
I knew exactly the moment when I decided I'd had enough. We went out for a meal, miles away from anywhere. I suspect he didn't want anyone to find out. As we were chatting he told me how well he thought I was doing now I was off my meds. He said " I always knew if you put your mind to it you could beat this thing". He doesn't know fuck all. He will never "get it". He thinks he knows about me and about bipolar. That comment just made me realise how clueless he really is and always will be. He thinks I can "cure" myself.
I wrote to him the next day. I told him you either want to be with someone or you don't. I told him if he wanted to be friends then it had to be open and honest. I told him that what wasn't ok was to keep making me believe that there could be a chance we might get back together one day. If he had told me that it was me he really wanted after all I have to admit that even though I've said it could never happen, I would have given him another chance. 
He didn't reply so I wrote again and told him I'd made the decision to cut him out of my life completely. I told him I didn't want any contact at all. No emails asking how I am, no turning up thinking he can tell me how I should be running my life, no meddling. I told him if anything happens to me again I don't want him anywhere near.  
He said he hadn't replied because he didn't know what to say, so true to form said nothing. He said he only ever did what he did because he loved me but if that's what I really wanted he would respect that. I do believe him but it's not a good enough reason to carry on as we are.
I haven't heard a thing for over two weeks now and I'm glad. For once he is doing the right thing by leaving me alone.
I still have some of my things in the loft at my old house. I will have to go collect it. I can't even remember exactly what's there so I need to go and look. I know there are all the photos of my son as a baby, stuff I had from school and college, stuff you collect over the years that have no material value but hold so many memories. I always was a bit sentimental about keeping certain things. I even kept the cork out of the bottle of champagne I had for my 21st and the Valentines card I got from my first boyfriend. I can't leave all that there. There's our wedding photos, video and cards. I don't know if I even want to keep them but if anyone is going to chuck them out it will be me. I'm not having someone else do it. I'll leave it a bit, but not too long. While it's there it's just an excuse to get in contact again. I'm going to take someone with me when I go. I'm sure it will be horrible and emotional. I don't want to be on my own in that situation. I don't want him trying to weedle his way in again.
I am upset. I don't hate him. I still love him. I just don't like who he has become. I won't ever be able to forget the past completely... I don't want to. I'll choose to remember what doesn't upset me. When you've had someone in your life for so long....even when it's not always been that great, it's frightening to think that they will be gone completely. It's also been positive for me.  I haven't thought about him that much at all. People have been telling me since we split that it's best to just go your own separate ways. They kept telling me I needed closure. I never took any notice. I guess I had to wait until I was ready. I do feel better about it all now. I don't need him at all. I don't want to be someone's second best. I'd rather be on my own. I feel strangely free.

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