Saturday, 22 February 2014

I know but I don't !

There's a huge difference between normal mood swings and bipolar mood changes. I know that and have to try and keep things in perspective. I know the signs and I know that I can't blame everything on bipolar. At the same time I don't know. I think things are still ok. I'm still managing to keep my head....sort of. I think I'm mostly reacting normally to situations. It's just that I'm back to the constant racing thoughts. It's non stop. My mind is going from one thing to another at 100 miles an hour. I'm constantly having conversations in my head. I find myself talking out loud to people when I'm on my own. I keep going over and over and over the same things. One minute I'm ok about something then the next its a huge issue again. It's quite monotonous and unless I'm fully occupied, like when I'm at work, it is just time consuming. Sometimes I have the most bizarre stuff going on in my head. I feel very self conscious at the moment and a bit paranoid. I mostly think everyone thinks I'm stupid. I seem to be losing hours. I sat down yesterday at 4 o'clock and the next minute it was midnight and I haven't really got a clue what I was doing in-between. I forgot to have any dinner. I'm just not hungry.  I didn't even get up to get a drink or go to the loo. I still think it's mostly to do with lack of sleep, not the start of any major episode.  I don't know what the answer is. Keep busy and wait and and see I guess. As soon as I stop doing then I lose all concentration and away I go with the thoughts again. Once I lose focus I'm finding it hard to get back on track. I like to be organised but I find myself flitting from one thing to another and getting in a right old mess. Maybe I'll wear myself out so much that eventually I'll sleep for a week! I tried a herbal remedy that's supposed to aid sleep but it was crap. I don't really want to but I might have to ask my GP if I can maybe have just a weeks supply of proper sleeping tablets. Trouble is, I know what he'll say....go back on your meds.
I've decided to start trying to keep a mood diary again. When I was first diagnosed it really helped to track my moods and give me more insight into what was going on. I'm determined to keep on top of things. I know that I need to look after myself first. It's pretty basic stuff really but not sleeping and forgetting to eat and being inactive by sitting in the chair for hours are going to impact on my mood. I can't afford to be complacent. Just because I haven't had any major mood shifts since coming off meds doesn't mean I'm suddenly bipolar free. It's great to just get on with things without constantly relating everything to bipolar but at the same time I need to be vigilant. I need to be prepared. I've had so much going on. Stuff with my ex husband, my son and now the job I thought I'd got might not be permanent. It's all stuff I am coping with but if I start to get ill it all gets harder, then it's like a vicious circle. The more stressed I get the less care I take and everything just seems too much. That's when it becomes a problem. I don't know, I know but I don't! 

No comments:

Post a Comment