Tuesday, 18 February 2014

I don't know what to do?

I just posted on Facebook ......"I can't believe that it's exactly a year ago that I was on my way to hospital and really thought I was going to kick the bucket! Right now I'm feeling extra grateful that I'm still here... And very much alive and kicking :-)"
Truth is,  I don't feel alive at all. I'm really struggling with everything and I don't know what to do. I keep telling everyone I'm fine. I'm not lying, a lot of the time I am. I am managing to get by. I'm managing to hide how I'm feeling but it's so hard. I keep telling myself I'm coping well but a lot of the time I'm not and I really don't know how to handle it. It's a couple of months now since I decided to stop my medication. I can't say if it's made any huge difference. I was a mess with it and I'm still a mess without it. Some things are better, some things are worse. I've got so much going on at the moment and I can't seem to work out what's what. I've got stuff going on that would test anyone's mental health....bipolar or not. I don't want to panic and go back on medication just because things aren't perfect in my life. I've been trying to sort things. 
 The best thing that's happened is that I've got a part time job. It's been really good for me so far. I've got something different to focus on for a few hours.
The worst thing is that I just can't sleep. I haven't had more than three or four hours sleep a night for weeks. Sometimes less. I go to sleep ok but I just keep waking up every five minutes. Then I can't stop ruminating about everything and everybody. It's wearing me down. I can't think straight. This is the first time I've written a blog for ages. It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's just that I haven't been able to concentrate for long enough to get it on paper.
When I went to see my psychiatrist last week he was adamant that he thinks I should go back on the Lithium. He gave me a long lecture about diabetes and what would happen if someone stops their insulin. I know all about diabetes, I don't need a lecture. It's a completely different thing. The only advice he gave about my sleep was to keep a sleep diary. I haven't done it. I can't. By the time I remember to do it I haven't got a clue what I was thinking of when I woke up in the night....anything and everything. I've got so much I want to write about but I've had enough for now. I'm reading back what I've written and I really don't have a clue if I'm making any sense at all. I feel really vulnerable at the moment and I know I need to try and get a grip before something bad happens. 

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