I saw my care-coordinator today and I feel so much better. She helps me put things into perspective. She made me realise that actually I am coping really well and I am managing things in a pretty "normal" way. I'm actually ok! She said that she hasn't noticed any significant changes in my behaviour since coming off the meds and that she would even go as far as to say compared to six months ago I seem much more "stable". She made me realise that maybe if I take a step back and look at all the stuff that's been going on I've actually got through it pretty well. The lack of sleep issue is a concern but she feels that as I continue to get things sorted in my relationships and job and everyday things, hopefully I'll settle back into a proper sleeping pattern. She agrees that as long as I try to keep to a routine and continue to have good insight into my feelings that there's no need to rush back into taking medication. I trust her judgement more than my psychiatrists.
I always worry that because I am not in a crisis or because I'm not taking meds that they will discharge me and I'll be left to fend for myself. Her view is that now is the time I need the support more than ever and that she wouldn't dream of discharging me until I am presenting as "stable" for at least a few months. I find that reassuring.
I think I've been panicking unnecessarily. I do feel a bit high at times. I do feel depressed at times but I am able to control it. There have been times lately where I've wanted to do some pretty strange things...like drive round to someone's house at three in the morning because I need to tell them something immediately, like punch someone for looking at me in the wrong way, like run away again, like swallow all the leftover pills I've got... but I haven't done any of it because I can think it through. I am a bit over emotional and a bit tearful at times. I do get scared but I'm trying my hardest and no, things are not perfect and sometimes life is really difficult and sometimes I do struggle and sometimes I get it wrong ....but who doesn't?
In my last blog I said I didn't know what to do. Turns out I'm already doing what I need to do.... Get on with it.