Sunday, 2 March 2014

To blog or not to blog?

So I've ended up writing a blog about wether or not I should be writing blogs!!!!! Just about sums up my frame of mind at the moment. Sometimes I don't know why I'm even bothering to write this blog. I started it because it somehow helped to just write stuff down. I had the notion that sharing my experiences might be interesting and useful. Sometimes it gives me a huge sense of relief to write my thoughts down. I never really thought of the consequences. I'm trying to work out where I'm at right now and I read back over some of my past blogs. All I've done is make myself miserable. When it boils down to it nothing ever changes. If I did meet someone special and they read it I guess they'd run a mile. I haven't exactly portrayed myself as the most stable person. 
 If I just give up on it I'll feel like I've failed yet again but I can't really see much point to it anymore. I always have big ideas and start things that I never finish. I suppose a blog like mine doesn't really have a beginning or end. I have had some really positive things come out of it. I've met people who tell me it's helped to know there are other people out there who experience the same things. I've been able to get things off my chest that I wouldn't dare have spoken about to anyone before. My sister told me she has a better understanding of bipolar and how it affects me. I don't know, maybe some things would have been better left unsaid. I get like this every now and then. Have I actually posted anything worthwhile or have I just made myself look like a complete freak?  Trouble is once something is said it can't be unsaid. I've never lied in any of my blogs but I worry that I say too much. I know people read it because I've had thousands of page views but who really gives a shit anyway?  I still keep writing it. I feel almost compelled to keep writing it.
 I've tried so hard over the last few weeks to get my life back in order. I've tried to be realistic. I've tried to just get on with things. Maybe I'm trying too hard.
All day every day I feel like I'm being bombarded with advice about what I should or shouldn't be doing. How to keep fit, how to stay healthy, what to eat, what to wear, what to read, what to say, how to be happy, what to think ......It's just constant. It's everywhere. 
I know what I should be doing. Knowing what to do and actually doing it are two completely different things.
I don't really know what to say. I hate myself for being this way. I don't mean to be selfish. I just can't stand it any longer. It's not a case of being sad or feeling sorry for myself. I just can't see any point. I don't know why people even give me the time of day. What do I actually do for anyone? All I seem to do is fuck up. I know there are people far worse off than me and that makes me feel even more pathetic and guilty. I wouldn't want to be friends with me. I'm not stupid, I'm not unintelligent. Sometimes that makes it worse. I can think about things logically, I can find an explanation for most things. I can talk rationally about things and even convince myself what I'm saying is true. I make plans for all sorts in my head. I feel better about things then whats in my mind just starts taking over and everything is fucked up again. Everything just gets confused and mixed up in my thoughts. What I can't do is take away the pain. I can laugh and joke and pretend but when it boils down to it I'm just so unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy. I'm surrounded by people and yet I'm so lonely. I really do think I'm crazy. My mind is just constantly going over and over things. I need it to stop. I'm terrified of life at the moment. I'm terrified of death too. I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of hell and I don't know how to get out. I guess I do need help but I don't know what anyone can do. I'm not going back on medication.Nothing was any different on medication. 
Maybe I'm writing my blogs in the hope that someone, somewhere will read it and give me all the answers. I know that's not possible and I probably wouldn't listen anyway. 

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