I know I'm not very well. It's all starting again. I've had a really hard time this week. I feel like I don't know if I'm coming or going. I'm constantly worrying about what I've done or not done, what I've said or shouldn't have said. When I first came off meds I felt so much better for a while. I lost that "numb" feeling. I felt more alive. I convinced myself that medication was to blame for everything and that maybe it was all a huge mistake and I'd eventually go back to "normal". I've realised that I've got to do certain things to keep well but that at the moment I just can't. It's not a case of failing or being weak. It's all happening again. I find myself thinking and doing things which I know aren't quite right. I can't help what goes on in my head. I've been doing things that I know won't help me yet I can't seem to stop it. I know I need to eat. It's a basic thing but at the moment I'm just not able to eat properly. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I've lost weight and I'm scared I'll put it back on again. I don't know if it's because I'm just not hungry. I'm really trying but I just seem to have a mental block. When I did make myself eat a proper meal I felt so bad I went straight into the bathroom and made myself sick.
I know I need to sleep but I haven't even got into bed for the last three nights. I'm tired, I must be, yet I've got so much nervous energy. I can't settle...now how does that make sense?
I hardly ever drink but the other night I got myself so drunk. I was on a mission to drown everything out. I haven't got a clue what I was doing. All I achieved was a massive hangover and more worry.
I'm trying not to drive far. Last time I drove home I was driving dangerously. I know I was doing it. I didn't care that if I got caught doing over 100 mph I'd be in trouble. The thought of crashing didn't bother me. I just wanted to get home as quickly as possible.
My mood is so all over the place. It's a horrible combination of everything. Mixed up and not making much sense one minute then thinking I've got it all sussed the next. I feel agitated and twitchy. I can't keep up with everything I think I need to do. I'm not depressed and I'm not manic. I know that. I'm not sure what I am. My best friend picked up on it. She said if I didn't go to the doctors she would have to ring herself. I trust what she tells me and I want to talk to her about stuff but I find myself thinking that I must be pissing her off. I find myself thinking about dying. I find myself thinking about how I'd end it all. Those thoughts really scare me. The thing is they come and go so quickly. I feel great one minute because I think I have all the answers to everything then I find myself sobbing uncontrollably because I have no idea what to do. I pretty much had a melt down in the doctors. He said he had no joy in telling me I told you so but that I had to realise that I had a serious mental illness and that by refusing to take my meds I was making myself ill. He said he was worried I could end up being in hospital again and then I'd have no choice. He was so worried that he called the mental health crisis team.
They sent someone to see me and it did help. He made me realise that while my reasons were valid I probably stopped my medication in the worst possible way...abruptly and because I was feeling shit. He made me realise that if I don't get my mood balanced enough to be able to do what I need to do to stay well then things can only get worse. He said that medication wasn't going to cure everything but maybe that I should see it as a tool. He said that maybe some of my problems were medication related but not all. Maybe I just wasn't on the right combination or dose. The thought of going back on meds really frightens me. He suggested that I just try the Lithium again and if that stabilised my mood enough maybe I could try again without at a later date and in a more controlled way. I know what he said made sense.
There was a period when I came out of hospital and I felt really well. I was happy to be on meds then. I think I've been in denial. I guess I have to face up to what everyone's telling me. Maybe I needed to prove to myself that the diagnosis is not wrong. I have bipolar and I have to take responsibility. It's about coping and feeling well, not trying to make it disappear. If I need meds to help me do that then so be it. It's been a hard decision to make but I'm going to restart the Lithium at least. A good friend of mine pointed out to me that when I stopped my medication I was adamant that if it all went tits up I'd start taking it again. Best take my own advice.