Tuesday, 22 April 2014

At a snails pace

As well as bipolar mood changes, one of the most difficult things to cope with are the changes in energy levels and sleep that run alongside. For months on end I've got by with hardly any sleep at all. Two to three hours a night, maybe four if I've been lucky....sometimes no sleep at all. I did feel a bit tired at times but not all the time. I'd think nothing of being up and "doing" at 3 o'clock in the morning. I was so much more active. I had energy to burn. I've been expecting things to change but I must admit I am struggling. For the last few nights I've slept solid. I've been ready for my bed at 10 o'clock and slept right through until the alarm goes off at seven. Nine hours without any disturbance. That's a huge difference. You'd think I'd feel better for it. Trouble is I don't . Physically I feel worse. I feel more tired than ever. I feel like someone has literally sucked every last bit of energy out of me. My whole body aches. By the time I've taken the dog out and tidied up a bit I'm ready to sleep again. Yesterday I sat down with a coffee at 9 am and must have nodded off. I woke up two hours later with Libby (my dog) nudging me to get up! I'm sure if it wasn't for her I'd sleep all day and night. Every little thing is a huge effort. It's so frustrating. I can't imagine how people manage to do everything. I can't imagine how I used to look after a child, a husband, a house and garden.....now sometimes it takes such a huge effort just to get myself dressed. I feel about a hundred years old and I look like shit. I found myself crying because I needed to wash my hair and the effort just seemed too much. I find myself crying a lot. I don't really know why. I don't know that there's much I can do about it. I'm trying my hardest to keep going and that's all I can do. I went to my sisters over the weekend and it was a lovely day but by the time I got home I just felt so drained and overwhelmed by it all. I'm trying to keep doing the essential things. I know if I let my flat get in a mess, especially with the dog, I'll get in such a state over it I won't be able to do anything.  It's funny, I always think I've got good insight into my moods, yet it's only after the event I realise the full impact. Even though I was irritable and twitchy when I was "high", I think I'd rather be like that than how I am now......miserable, unmotivated and absolutely exhausted. Of course at the time I was wishing for calm. Now I'm doing everything at a snails pace and there's nothing I can do about it. My mind and body just won't let me go any quicker. What I really need is to be somewhere in between but it's not happening yet. It's so hard when it seems I go from one extreme to another with no real let up in between. I often feel like just giving up but I know I can't. I'm still hopeful that the meds will start working properly again soon. I've felt a lot worse than this before and that in itself gives me a reason not to give up. I might be slow but as long as I don't stop things will be ok eventually.


  1. Knock knock!

    Are you still here? I have just surfed onto your blog from a Google search
    "nuthouse + mental illness". My mum was diagnosed bipolar in the Dark Ages
    when it was called manic depression. She died 20 years ago and there was so
    much silence and secrecy about mental illness that we never got to have a good
    chat. I felt I was intruding on something private if I asked about what it was like
    for in the the asylums. I still have all the little crafts she would make me. The poems
    she wrote were truly dreadful. Anne Sexton she was not.

    What you are writing here is helping me to restore something that got broken
    50 years ago when my mother woke up alive. They never let her work in the
    school tuck-shop ~ she'd broken some rule that wasn't written down anywhere.
    It's all blood under the bridge now.

    If you're still around, don't stop writing it out. Your story matters: your words are

    Deep peace of the running water to you
    Deep peace of the silent earth to you
    Deep peace of the flowing air to you
    Deep peace of the twinkling stars to you
    Deep peace of the Mother's arms to you

  2. I'm sorry for the struggle,but I do think I can really empathize.