Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Bipolar versus Life








Sunday was one of the most difficult days I've had in a long time. Even back on the meds I still can't sleep properly. My doctor agreed that Quetiapine is not right for me so prescribed Clonazepam instead. It's supposed to calm me and help me sleep. I did fall asleep quickly but woke at 3am and stayed awake. I feel very fragile. I feel panicky. I'm not hypomanic anymore. I feel so much calmer but I am tearful and scared about what may come. I know that whenever I've been hypomanic before it's usually followed by a crash. My mood plummets and before I know it I'm fighting depression. I couldn't go to my mums either because I couldn't trust myself to drive that far. I feel drained and I can't concentrate for that long. Short journeys are ok but even then it takes all my concentration. I'm trying to be positive but life just gets in the way. I feel like everyone is slowly abandoning me. Of course that's not true.
It's was also Mother's Day and yet again I never heard a word from my son. Not even a text. I haven't heard from him since his Birthday when he called me to ask if I was going to give him any birthday money. I knew he wanted it to buy heroin so I didn't give him any. We didn't fall out or argue over it but once I'd said no the conversation stopped. That was just over two months ago. I've tried to contact him since but he never answers his phone. If he can call when he wants something then why couldn't he have called on Sunday? I doubt I even crossed his mind and that really hurts. I read countless Mother's Day messages on Facebook and I wanted to be happy for people but I felt jealous and sad and devastated. Then I felt really guilty. The only comfort is the fact that I'm sure if he was in real trouble I would have heard somehow. I just wonder what goes through his mind. He must have known how upset I would be. Maybe he never gave me a thought. Maybe he's scared to contact me. Maybe he's ashamed. I worry that he's in such a mess that he just doesn't realise or care. I try to put him out of my mind but it's impossible.
I cried a lot but I do take comfort in the fact that I have such amazing support. It's the little things that people do that make such a huge difference . My best friend sent me a message with just kisses. Her son sent me a text saying he loved me. Another young friend texted me to say thankyou for being like a mother to her. Nothing can make up for the fact that my own son seems to have disappeared but knowing people genuinely care eases some of the pain.
I have to be sensible now and realise that it's going to take a bit of time to get myself back on a level. Meds don't work in an instant and having extra stress has a huge impact. I'm definitely better than I have been but I've got a fair way to go to get back into a "normal" routine. I'm trying to look on my experience of coming off meds as a positive thing. I tried and it didn't work but at least I now know I can't cope without and at least I have a better understanding of what moods and behaviours are caused by bipolar, what are the side effects of medication and what are just normal reactions to life. I think I would have inevitably done it at some point. I had the notion that maybe I'd turn out not to have bipolar at all but deep down knew that could never be possible. I think because of all the support I've had I'm getting through it without having done too much damage...I hope so anyway. I have bipolar disorder, I can't deny it and I have to manage it but at the end of the day I'm still me.

1 comment:

  1. Sending hugs your way, and a belated happy mother's day to both of us. xx

    ReplyDelete