It's New Years Day and I just woke up and everything in the world is perfect. Now wouldn't that be great! Of course nothing has changed apart from maybe, along with millions of other people, there's an expectation that things will get better. A little bit of hope that the new year will bring better things. Nothing wrong with that.
That's it. I'm now completely medication free. Bipolar medication that is. I stopped the Lithium too. I made my mind up that I need to see what happens completely med free. I don't think I could survive another year like last year. I don't want to make things worse but they can't stay the same either. I don't want to spend half of my life wishing I was dead and the other half running around like a headless chicken doing absolutely nothing of any use. Since I was diagnosed I've done everything I've been told to do to try and keep myself well. I've taken every tablet, been to every appointment and followed every bit of advice. I put my trust in these "experts" but they haven't delivered. Not anymore. It hasn't worked so I'm going to do it my own way.
My GP rang me at 7pm last night. A friend rang him to tell him I'd stopped taking my tablets. She told me she'd done it because she was really worried about what might happen. I wasn't very happy but I know she meant well. He asked me if I was ok and why hadn't I gone to him first to discuss it. He said I'd put myself at a high risk of relapse. He said things could get a whole lot worse and that I could end up on even more medication or back in hospital. I told him that I was willing to take that chance and that I wasn't prepared to carry on with things as they are. I asked him how he knew what was going to happen. What made him so sure I wouldn't be perfectly ok? He said he couldn't be sure. That's just it, they don't know. No one does. I agreed to go and see him next week but that I wasn't going to change my mind.
Last year wasn't all bad but mostly it was. If it wasn't for my best friend and a few other special people I do think I'd be dead. I'm not exaggerating. It's the truth.
It's difficult to know how I feel at the moment because I've got a shitty cold. I didn't go out last night. I just didn't feel up to it. I made myself stay up to see the new year in. I cried and cried for most of the evening. Everything on TV reminded me of something or someone. When it got to midnight I cried even more. I'm never ever going to spend another new year on my own no matter how ill I feel. I was awake for most of the night and what a long night. When I finally went to bed I promised myself that things are going to get better.
I've got so many things I have to do this year. Most importantly I need a job.
I'm hoping I'll start to feel better and then everything else will fall into place.