Friday, 27 December 2013

Phew ....nearly done

It's the day after Boxing Day. Well, I managed to get through Christmas without any major upset and if I'm honest I really enjoyed some of it, even without my son. When I woke up on Christmas Eve I felt more lonely and more scared than I have done for a long time. For a short time I thought how much easier it would be to just pack it all in. Put an end to it all. I always feel like that on Christmas Eve. Thankfully those feelings passed. I'm so lucky to have such great friends. It's impossible to stay miserable when you're surrounded by people that you know genuinely care. I was dreading Christmas dinner with my Mum and Dad but it was fine. They didn't mention my son and neither did I. I know they were thinking about him, he's their grandson after all but they didn't let on that they were upset. I could tell they were. They tried to make my day as happy as possible and vice versa. Even if he didn't want to see me, how could he do that to his Nan and Grandad? 
  I found it more difficult at my sisters with the rest of the family. I always feel like the odd one out. Probably because I am the odd one out! It's nothing that they do, it's just me. Again no one mentioned my son. He's the oldest of five grandchildren. They were all there. It was almost as if he didn't exist. Obviously I didn't hear a word from him. Not even a text. I knew I wouldn't but I kept hoping. That hurts. I've no idea where he was or what he was doing. If something really bad had happened to him I'm sure I would have heard. One of the most important people in my life and now he's gone. Just disappeared. He's homeless, he's got no money, not even benefits, he's cut off from all his family and he's feeding a heroin addiction. Something will happen, I know it. I don't want to think about it but something will happen and I doubt it will be good.
Now all I have to do is get through New Year and I can draw a line under this bloody awful year. I used to love New Years Eve. I loved the parties and getting drunk and singing Auld Lang Syne. I loved the excitement and anticipation of what the future might hold. I think I should just stay in and go to bed early this year. God knows why I think it will be any different when I wake up. It's just another day. I guess we all have high hopes for the new year. I'm not going to make a whole load of resolutions. I've got stuff that I want to do and I'm going to try my hardest but I'm not going to set myself up to fail either. I'm not going to take anything for granted.
Considering everything I feel like my mood had settled a bit now. I cried a bit today, well a lot but I think it was more relief. Relief that Christmas is over. I'm not going to let things get to me. I am a strong person and I know next year will still have its problems but I am determined not to let Bipolar get in my way. I'm not going to let it make things more difficult than they already are. I can't control it completely but if I am careful I am feeling hopeful that things won't be as bad. I don't think I could cope with the constant changes in my mood that I've had over the last few months. I feel ok now without the medication. I keep changing my mind on that one but I'm going to stick with my decision. I'm not going to let doctors or psychiatrists or anyone else dictate how I deal with it. 

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