Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Back to reality?

I'm trying to do things to get myself back into some sort of routine but it's just so hard.
I don't feel as if upping my medication has helped that much. It's two weeks now and I still feel that my mood is all over the place. The only difference I can say is that at times I feel overwhelmingly tired. I seem to be going from high to low in a short space of time. One day I feel full of energy and enthusiasm. I have so many ideas I can't keep up with myself. The next I feel miserable and lethargic and just can't get anything done. Some days I can't stop eating and other days I don't eat a thing. Some nights I'll go to bed at 8 and sleep soundly for hours. A few days later I'm up all night, chatting to god knows who online. Sometimes I have conversations that I'd never have in real life. It sometimes excites me and it sometimes disgusts me. I sometimes get bored and I sometimes get lonely. It's like another world when you're wide awake at three o'clock in the morning and have energy to burn. Sometimes I feel great. A lot of the time I feel like crap. Just lately I've had times where I've I felt so high I've almost been bouncing off the walls. Everything just seems hilarious. I've felt so happy it was as if I didn't have a care in the world. I've also had times where I feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders. It frightens me how quickly my mood changes and for no apparent reason. It's hard work and it's confusing.
I've decided I can't take the increase in dose of my medication. I haven't really felt any benefit. Even though I'm having some really up times, for the rest of the time it's just making me too tired. Last night I went to bed at 11 o'clock and woke up at mid day. Thirteen hours sleep is way too much. It's not even as if I was doing anything tiring the day before. I still feel groggy and as If I haven't slept at all. If I felt better in myself then maybe it would be worth it, but I don't.There's absolutely no point in talking to my doctor. I know exactly what he'll say. He'll tell me to give it a bit longer and he'll tell me there's a good reason why the dose was increased. I don't care what anyone says. I don't want to feel like I'm not with it. I don't want to spend half my life asleep. I'll just have to do it and hope for the best. Of course now I'm back to square one. It's so fucking annoying.
That's the trouble with medication. It works brilliantly then all of a sudden it just seems to stop doing what it's supposed to do. I know it's risky to muck about with it but I know how I feel. I'm not prepared to be turned into some kind of zombie.
I'm trying to make sure I've got things arranged. It's the days when I'm not seeing anyone or going anywhere that are a real problem. My motivation to do anything is zero, the day goes by and I haven't done a thing. It's just so hard. It makes me feel useless and guilty. It's a vicious circle.
I started back at the gym with the help of my friend who also happens to be a personal trainer. Getting myself there is unbelievably difficult yet once I'm there and doing I feel so, so much better. I can't tell you how much exercise benefits me. Well, it's good for everybody but it really does have a huge impact on my mood. It's hard this time because I'm so unfit compared to how I used to be. It's frustrating that I can't do the things I did before. I'm so grateful to have the support of someone who knows what he's doing. I know I just have to persevere. My best friends son is also giving me encouragement . It really helps to have someone that actually believes I can do it, especially when I so often doubt myself. It's given me a bit of spark back....and of course when I'm a bit hyper and can't sleep I can jump on my stepper and step the time away!
Working in the shop is helping too. I worry about it constantly yet once I'm there it's great. It makes me feel like I'm doing something useful for a change, well I guess I am. I can't believe how tiring it is. It's only a few hours yet I feel exhausted . At least I've got a reason to be exhausted.
I'm trying to make sure I keep in touch with people instead of isolating myself.
If I can just make sure I've got something to do every day then maybe things will improve.  If I can keep myself busy maybe I won't have time to think too much. Maybe I won't feel so out of touch with reality.  Maybe I'll start to feel like me again.

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