Thursday, 12 December 2013
I don't know how I end up getting myself into certain situations. I feel like I'm never going to have a normal relationship again. When I was married I never dreamed that I would be single again. I never dreamed that the men in my life would consist of a guy who I absolutely adore, who will never be more than a friend and another who I also adore, who will never be more than just sex. Lol, some would say that is a perfect scenario. Of course I can't leave out my ex husband, who I also adore but don't necessarily like and can't seem to break free from. Things will change. Whenever and however things change it's going to be so difficult. It scares me. Why can't I just enjoy things as they are now? Maybe they are normal relationships.Why do I always look for problems?
I can't imagine a girlfriend being happy about me spending so much time with her boyfriend. I can't imagine she'd be thrilled about us cooking each other dinner, going out for meals, watching films and getting takeaways. I can't imagine she'd be happy about us having long conversations on the phone every week. I can't imagine she would believe that we are just friends and don't sleep together. I'm scared that she'll try and put a stop to us seeing each other. I don't want that to happen.Why do people have such a hard time recognising that a man and woman can be close friends without sex? Why are people worried that by having a friend like this it's going to stop me meeting someone else? I love the time we spend together. He makes me really happy. There's nothing strange about it. Of course she doesn't even exist yet so as usual I'm worrying about something that hasn't even happened. I just read that back and it sounds so selfish. I would hope that if he did meet the right person I would be really happy for him. She might even like me! He deserves to be happy which is the most important thing.
So, I was just about getting used to the idea that it was over. When I saw him out it really was ok. I felt happy that I could be in his company without feeling awkward. I didn't look at him as someone I'd had sex with, I looked at him as a real person and as a friend.
So how did we end up having sex again? I didn't make him do it. I didn't trick him into coming over. He wanted it as much as I did. The most exciting, amazing sex ever. So how come I feel so confused about it? It was what it was.
Feelings, fucking feelings, that's what happened. I don't know if it's my mood at the moment, making me more sensitive but I felt that he was saying things to make damn sure I wasn't going to read too much into it and so that I wouldn't expect it to be happening again anytime soon, if ever. That's no different to every other time. We never do spend ages chatting. We never do make plans for a next time. I don't know. For the first time since this all began I felt uncomfortable. Now I really don't what will happen. I feel sure it's just me being stupid and over sensitive. I doubt he's even bothered. Maybe I'm upset because I really do like him and I really don't want it to stop. I love the excitement. I don't want it to be complicated. I'm single, he's single, where is the problem? Maybe the problem is me.
And then there's my ex husband who is clearly still in love with me but he doesn't want me. He can't come to terms with the fact I have bipolar. That's it.
I probably do spend too much time worrying about things that haven't even happened. I don't know if that's part of being bipolar or just me.