Saturday, 14 December 2013

Just keep on taking the tablets

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I'm doing when actually I know exactly what I'm doing. It's not that long ago that I wrote a post about how important medication is in helping to control my bipolar. I guess that's how I saw it at the time. I don't feel the same about it right now. I've decided to wean myself off my medication. I've been feeling like crap for months now. I feel physically ill and I'm convinced it's to do with my medication. I'm always thinking about stopping it. I think about it at least once a week when I'm decanting a shit load of pills into daily compartments. I think about it when I feel so physically tired it's an effort to get up. I think about it when I look at myself I the mirror and can't see that "spark" I always had. I think about it when I get headaches and constipation and nausea and spots and a horrible taste in my mouth and, and, and....I get it into my head that if I could just get rid of all the crap they keep pumping into me I could start to think clearly and sort myself out, physically and mentally. Maybe just maybe they got it all wrong and there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe all my bipolar symptoms are caused by all the mind altering rubbish they keep expecting me to swallow. Well, obviously saying I haven't got bipolar is pretty stupid but to what degree have I got it?  I managed most of my life without anything drastic happening. My ups and downs were just part of who I was. It was only when I was given antidepressants that the real problems started. I haven't felt right for so long now I owe it to myself to give myself a chance. Part of me knows I'm taking a huge risk but an even bigger part of me thinks it's worth it. All they do is bang on about how you must keep on taking the pills. Don't come off your medication without talking to your doctor. What's the point of talking to my doctor? I know what he'll say. I need my medication. I'll get ill without it. Well I've been ill with it. I've been up and down and all over the place for months and months. I'm convinced it caused my heart attack. I can't do it anymore. I seriously can't. I don't want to stop because I think I'm better, I want to stop because I'm not.  Maybe I am being irresponsible by not talking to the psychiatrist but he's a locum, he doesn't know me and I can't stand him. Sometimes you just have to go with your own instinct. I'm not bothered about being on medication if I really need it but that's the whole point, do I really need it? I don't think so. I don't think it's really helping me anymore. I don't think it really did in the first place. I've had enough of feeling shit. I've had enough of crappy side effects. I've read about how people can control their bipolar med free. I've come off the Quetiapine. I was pretty impatient and did it virtually cold turkey. It's now 4.30 am and I haven't slept a wink. I feel really ill. I've got the "jitters", I feel sick and I've got the headache from hell. Well last week I felt sick and headachey all week anyway. See, if this is what it does to you when you're trying to get off the stuff just think of what it does long term taking the stuff. I'm sure it will pass and I'm sure it will be worth it. I have to keep telling myself that. I'm starting to feel a bit scared now but I'm determined to keep at it. Once I've been off the Quetiapine for a couple of weeks I'll maybe think about weaning myself off of the Lithium. I haven't decided yet. I've never really had a problem with Lithium. I've never had bad side effects from Lithium. It's the Quetiapine that has always concerned me.
I haven't told anyone I'm doing it except for one friend who I knew would understand. It would have been too much hassle. I know I'm going to get lectures and all sorts now but when it boils down to it, it's up to me. I'm not a child, I'm not about to run riot. I'm not a danger to myself or anyone else. I'm a grown woman with a mind of my own. Now it's done and I think I'm ok. Time will tell.
They say that life with bipolar is better with medication. My life isn't that great with it. I'm willing to take my chances. I won't know unless I try.
I'm not taking this lightly. I have thought about it carefully. I'm not doing it on a whim. I know that there is a huge risk involved. I have thought about the consequences for me and my family and friends if it all goes horribly wrong but I'm not expecting it to go horribly wrong. I have enough knowledge now to recognise how I'm feeling. Ffs that's what I seem to spend most of my life doing, analysing my moods. I just want to forget about it and have a life.

By writing this I'm not in any way advocating that anyone should stop taking their medication. For some it could be catastrophic. It's just my own personal view and experience.

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