Wednesday, 18 December 2013

So far so good

Well I haven't been carted off kicking and screaming yet! It's nearly two weeks since I stopped taking the Quetiapine. I've decided to leave it a bit longer before I try and come off the Lithium or maybe I'll stay on it after all. Maybe it would be stupid to cut that out, especially when it doesn't give me any obvious problems. In hindsight I probably should have left it all until the new year. Maybe it would have been better to wait for a less stressful time. I could have been waiting forever. There's never a less stressful time. Trouble is once I get an idea into my head that's it.
Sometimes I feel so sick and I'm getting the most horrendous headaches. If I can manage to get to sleep at all I wake up every couple of hours. I'm sure it's just withdrawal symptoms and I'm sure they'll pass. I tried not to read too much on the internet about it. You just get loads of horror stories about shitty side effects of withdrawal that last for weeks. I'm just ignoring it. On the plus side I don't feel so groggy. It's as if a haze has been lifted. I've got more energy so I've been doing more. I also lost 6lb without even trying. I am definitely eating better and don't have the cravings for sweet things. I've actually been able to do a poo that doesn't resemble rabbit droppings...sorry lol, probably too much information there! My mouth feels normal instead of like the bottom of a budgies cage. My skin feels better, not so dry and itchy. My stomach isn't bloated and my feet haven't puffed up for days. I'd say definitely more positives than negatives.
It's how I feel mentally that's more important. To be honest I don't feel that different. My moods are still up and down and all over the place but if anything I feel more alert. I feel as if when I cry I cry harder and with more emotion and when I feel good I feel really good. Ok so maybe I've been a bit high at times but I don't see that as a bad thing. I know I've been a bit excitable and maybe a bit mouthy and my driving is atrocious but I don't think I've done anything that terrible! I'm relying on people to tell me if I get too out of order. My thoughts are running riot and are utterly ridiculous at times but mostly they're happy thoughts and at least I recognise when they are ridiculous. I'm being really careful not to do anything that will get me too excited! I'm trying to keep calm. In my head I want to do all sorts of barmy things but I'm managing to keep a lid on it. At least I've got the urge to do things. I wouldn't say I'm super motivated but I'm doing every day things without really thinking about it. I'm making the most of feeling ok......and I can't remember the last time that happened. 
Everything bad in my life I've put to the back of my mind. I'll deal with it later. 
I do feel scared but at the same time I feel strangely free. 
I told my care coordinator and she wasn't too happy but said she understood that it's my choice. She doesn't think what I've done is wise, especially when I've had so much trouble in the last year. She then went on about how unmedicated  bipolar can quickly get out of control and how I really need to keep on taking the Lithium and how I must contact her or the crisis team if I feel like I'm getting unwell. She said that it's great I'm feeling better right now but that it's too early to tell the true effect of stopping my medication. She said exactly what I expected her to say. 
Well I do feel like I have things under control. I do feel like I can cope with Christmas without breaking down. I do feel like I know what I'm doing and I do feel better than I did a month ago. 

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