Sunday, 22 December 2013

Something's making me mad

I'm now wondering if I've done the right thing by stopping my tablets. I'm so fucking restless. I don't know what I want or need. I feel like I'm going to scream. I can't seem to concentrate. It's 3 o'clock in the afternoon and I've done sod all. I was going to do so much today. All I've done so far is wander from room to room not knowing where to start. My language is appalling. Good job I'm on my own. I've got presents to wrap and I can't bring myself to do it. The closer it's getting to Christmas the more wound up I feel. I keep telling myself it's just one day. Trouble is it's not just an ordinary day. I really wish I could just go to bed right now and wake up when it's all over. I'm not really liking people at the moment. I don't know why because everyone's being extra nice. Even that's upsetting me... people being nice.  I feel like I could actually punch someone. People are either gushingly happy and full of it or moaning when they really haven't got anything to moan about. People really are stupid....including me. It pisses me off. How can I go from feeling reasonably happy to feeling so cross in such a short space of time? I had a lovely time with a friend last night. Why am I so horrible and ungrateful today? Nothing changed in the night. It's not that I don't want to see anyone enjoying themselves. I don't know what it is. I'm trying not to spend too much time on my own because I know it makes things ten times worse. Too much time to think just  magnifies everything.
I'm going to have to be so careful that I don't upset anyone over the next few days. I'd never forgive myself.
I don't know if it's lack of medication or Christmas that's making me feel like this. I'm not going to take the tablets again. It's too soon to tell. I'll decide what to do in the new year.
I'll probably wake up tomorrow and be happy as anything again. I have a feeling I'm in for a bit of a roller coaster over the next few days.

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