Thursday, 5 December 2013
I don't know why Christmas has to be such a difficult time. I guess there's always the expectation that it's got to be the happiest most joyful experience where everything is perfect and everyone is perfect. In reality it's bloody hard work. I can't stand it. I can't stand the whole Christmas thing. I'm not just being a humbug. It really is making me so miserable. I just find it too difficult and too much. Everything about it either sends me into a panic, makes me cry or brings back painful memories. Of course there are times when I get excited about it all, then I get over excited and over enthusiastic only to come back down with a bump. I really would cancel it if I could. I'm trying my hardest to make jokes about it and try to be upbeat but I just wish it was over. I'm not religious so it has no meaning in that sense. I know it's a difficult time for so many people.
I used to love Christmas. I could never understand why people moaned about it. It was the most magical, special time. I used to love the the songs, the adverts, the food, the drunken nights out, family gatherings, the decorations...everything. Now it spells disruption, over stimulation, over excitement, pressure to be organised, fear of unreasonable expectations from friends and family, over indulging, alcohol, loss of sleep and broken routines. Having to look back over another year and the fear of what the next year will bring. Bad memories of past Christmases seem to return with a vengeance. Christmas is a whole host of things that can trigger my bipolar symptoms and upset my mood.
I know the fact that I've had such a hard time this year will compound it. I don't feel that my bipolar has been that well controlled since my heart attack in February. I feel that I'm always close to "the edge". I don't really know how to explain that. I just don't think it would take much for me to lose it completely.
It's everywhere and it's overwhelming. It gets into your thoughts. It makes me want to scream.
I don't know where my son is and I doubt I'll be seeing him. I've never had a Christmas without him before. That will impact on my parents too. Christmas Day will be hard.
I'm aware that trying to commit suicide on Christmas Eve and ruining Christmas for just about everyone I know is not something people forget...I know that even 3 years on it will cross my parents, my sisters, my friends and even my ex husbands mind. I still feel guilty and I'm still petrified that I'll feel that way again. I'm scared to be alone on Christmas Eve.
There will be good times. I know it won't be all doom and gloom. I have great friends and I know my family will look after me. I just have to try and take extra care. I have to try and and keep things as routine as possible. I have support from my care coordinator and a number for the crisis team. I still can't wait for it to be over.