Friday, 17 January 2014

I'm not giving up just yet

It's not even the end of January and this year is already starting to go downhill. I don't want to be miserable. I really don't. I want to try and be positive and look on the bright side. I'm not doing a very good job. Things have been much more difficult this week. Everyone is back to doing their own thing. Back to normal everyday life. I've been trying my hardest to do the same but it's just not that simple. I don't have a normal everyday life anymore. I seem to take a step forward and then something happens to push me back again. Physically I still feel better than when on the meds. I've been to the gym and have been trying to do some sort of exercise every day, even if it's just a walk. It's a huge effort and it's really frustrating that I can't do the things I did before. My heart rate seems to be going through the roof and I'm terrified I'm going to have another heart attack. I guess it takes time and patience. Well I've got all the time in the world but my patience isn't that great. I've tried to keep busy. If I'm busy then I can't think too deeply but my mind is on overdrive and I just can't seem to concentrate for very long. I don't think I've had more than two or three hours sleep for the last few nights. Even though I'm tired, as soon as my head hits the pillow it's as if someone's turned on a switch and all this "stuff" is racing around in my head. If I manage to get to sleep I'm waking up every five minutes. Every problem or thought seems to magnify itself a million times at 3 o'clock in the morning.
 I'm still trying to sort out the aftermath of everything that's gone on. My money situation is worse than I realised. The more I try and sort it out the more I realise what a hash I've made of it. I don't know where it's all gone. Trying to get a job is not that simple with my track record and trying to claim benefits is even more complicated. I don't want to claim benefits. I've always worked and I've always been independent. No one seems to know exactly where I fit into the system. In one breath they're telling me I'm not fit to work because of my health and the next I'm fit to work and need to be actively seeking employment. It's like a vicious circle. Now, to top it all I'm without a car. It's pathetic really how much I rely on it. It's not the end of the world but it's a pain in the arse and it's fucked up what little routine I have even more. I guess that makes me sound like a lazy, spoilt brat. I feel isolated and lonely. It's my own fault really. I have been so tempted to reach for the Clonazepam. I have a stash of it left over from before. I always used it as and when to help me sleep if I thought I was heading towards being manic. It pretty much knocks me out if I take enough of it. My mood has definitely taken a dip and it would be easy just to take a load of pills and sleep it all away. I really don't want to go down that route. It wouldn't change anything, I'd still have to face up to everything when I wake up. I'm sure I'd feel better if I got some proper sleep but it would probably be dangerous to start randomly popping pills and I really still want to try and stay medication free. I'm probably just having a bit of a bad few days. Well,  I'm not ready to give up just yet, I'm tougher than that.  I'll slap a smile on my face and get on with it. Things might not be great but they are no worse.

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