Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Don't you look well!

I have to smile when people keep telling me I look and sound really well with such a surprised look on their face. It's as if they are expecting me to sound like a blithering idiot and look like a bag of shit because I've stopped taking my tablets! I've lost count the number of times people have said it. It's quite flattering really and very encouraging.
 I don't know quite what's happening to me. I still feel ok off the meds but it's as if my emotions are suddenly waking up. Being on medication didn't take the emotions away but for a lot of the time numbed them. Now I seem to be getting a whole lot of feelings flooding in and it's taken me by surprise. I've been quite tearful but it's not the same as being depressed. I don't think I'm crying over things that don't warrant a tear, I just seem to be very emotional. I've also felt really happy but not the same as when I get high. I saw a rainbow this morning and it genuinely made me feel really good. Maybe this is what's called being normal? !!!!! 
I went to see my GP. Out of all the people that have been involved in my healthcare he is the one person that I trust and respect the most. He's been involved almost right from the start. I've been going to see him at least once a month for the last 7 years. He has seen me in just about every possible mood going. I had a double appointment so we could have a proper chat. I made sure I said everything I wanted to say before I listened to what he had to say. He agreed that he couldn't deny that what I was saying about why I wanted to come off the meds wasn't unreasonable and that how I was presenting was completely rational and grounded. He asked me if there was anything that he could say that would make me start taking my medication again. I told him that unless he told me I was going to drop down dead tomorrow, absolutely nothing. He said that was fair enough. He said he'd be surprised if I didn't have some sort of crisis within the next six weeks but that he hoped he was wrong. I have to see him again in two weeks. I'm ok with that. I'm being vigilant and if anything were to happen I have enough people looking out for me. I'm not stupid and I'd be quite happy to go back on medication if I really need to.
I've just seen my care coordinator and she said pretty much the same as my doctor. She said she wasn't at all surprised that I stopped the lithium too. She said that if she was in my situation maybe she would have done the same as at least I'll know for sure wether the medication made any real difference. The next few weeks are going to be the telling time. Right this minute I feel fine. I've had a good few days, I'm coping with the crap and I'm as prepared as I think I can be. 

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