No logic

It's three days on since I saw my psychiatrist. He wasn't any help really. He thinks my lithium levels might be up the shute and until he gets the results he can't give me anything else or any answers. He doesn't really know why I suddenly feel so shit or why I started imagining things. I hate him for being such a dick. He's the one person whose supposed to have answers. Last night I took some sleeping tablets and for the first time in I don't know how long I slept in my bed. I slept for ten hours solid. I don't feel any better for it. 

I don't feel in control at the moment. I can't concentrate on any one thing. I've been trying to get myself up and ready for about three hours and all I've done so far is get a bra and pair of knickers out. The thought of having a bath and washing my hair is like I'm about to run a marathon. I'm going to see a friend tonight. I know I have to make the effort to get out . I want to take some more sleeping pills and hide under the covers but I know that wont solve anything. 

When I'm well I can always see the importance of doing certain things and taking care of myself. I can see the logic in it. I can't see the logic in much at all right now. It's like torture and its cruel. 

I'm trying not to think about Monday and work but its getting closer. I cant even get myself together to go visit a friend. How on earth am I going to go to work? I really don't think I can do it. That will be it then, I've completely fucked up the rest of my life. I'm not sure if I even care. Maybe I was only doing it because its what people expect. The happiest I've been lately was volunteering in the charity shop....no pressure yet feeling like I was doing some good. I thought my job would give me a purpose. It just terrifies me. I'm working with people that are so vulnerable and so in need of the right care. I don't think I'm good enough to deliver that care....not consistently anyway. I don't know what to do. If I was 100% well then I know I am right for the job but if I'm totally honest I'm never 100% well and I can't do that to people. I have tried my hardest, really I have. I wish someone would tell me it's ok. 

I feel like I've let people down. Maybe by Monday I'll feel differently.