Tuesday, 23 July 2013

I'm so scared

So now it's 2am and even though I'm absolutely knackered I can't go to sleep. I've got every light on in my flat because I'm too scared to turn them off. I can't bring myself to go to bed in case I start seeing things again. I feel like I'm in the middle of some kind of horror film . Last time I was in bed I saw some sort of creature standing by the side of my bed. I know it wasn't real but it looked real at the time and I don't want to chance it coming back. I can't turn the light off because everything turns into something horrific. I still feel scared but at least with the lights on I can see everything clearly. I don't think I want to go to sleep. I'm worried something might happen. I feel like a child.
I saw my care coordinator today and she's arranged for me to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. She thinks my medication needs reviewing . I know it does. I know I can't carry on like this. I can't function properly . My phone just made a noise and I nearly jumped out of my skin. My heart is beating so hard I can feel it and hear it. I'm typing away because it takes my mind off of it. I don't know what else to do. I just want the night to hurry up and end.  
I don't know what's started all of this. Maybe starting a new job, maybe my son going to prison, maybe medication, maybe nothing. Maybe it's just part of the bipolar. I need help to sort it. I try my hardest but I'm not really managing it at the moment. I need to go to the loo but I'm too scared to get out of the chair. I have to go past my bedroom to get to the bathroom....fuck it.
Well, I finally plucked up the courage to go. It's taken fifteen minutes to calm down and be able to type again. I hate this. I don't think I can deal with this for much longer. I'm relying on my psychiatrist to do something. 
It's morning now and I'm just so relieved that the night is over. I think I nodded off for a couple of hours but I don't feel like I've had any sleep. I'm hoping that today will be a better day. I've written as much down about what's been happening so I don't forget when I see my psychiatrist . I have to keep telling myself that while I can still do that there's still hope. I can still think and if I can still think even weird thoughts, then I still have some sanity.
This is the only post I've written where I'm worried about what people will think. I feel like a failure because I can't sort myself out and I feel inadequate for having such stupid thoughts. I don't want people to think I'm stupid, I'm just trying to explain how things are sometimes.

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