Thursday, 11 July 2013

Feeling Used

In my last post I wrote about the guy I was obsessed with. Now I want to write about the guy who I think took advantage of me when he knew damn well what was wrong with me. 
He was a student too......I obviously have a thing about male physio students! 
The first time I met him I liked him. He was flirty, cheeky and quite cute. We worked well together. There was a bit of flirting going on but I would never have let it go any further at that time. I was happy with my marriage and happy with myself.
I wasn't really friends with him once he left but whenever we bumped into each other we had a good long chat. He knew I'd been ill and always showed interest.
When I was in hospital after my suicide attempt he was working on the ward. We had a long chat and he seemed genuinely concerned for me. He said we should stay in touch when I got home. He knew I had bipolar. 
Over the next few weeks we had the odd chat on Facebook and it was nice to have someone show some interest. He had a girlfriend so it wasn't anything more than just friends. I was probably at my most vulnerable at that time and my moods were all over the place. 
I don't know if I was a bit high and acting a bit bolder than usual but out of the blue he propositioned me. I was flattered and jumped at the chance. I was lonely. I felt guilty about his girlfriend but I  figured that they weren't married and didn't have kids, so somehow I wasn't doing anything wrong and it was his problem.
The sex was ok but not great. I wasn't really ready for even a casual thing.  We only got together two or three times. 
I got depressed again and turned him down. He came to visit me and we just chatted. I thought he genuinely cared as a friend. The next time he wanted sex and I said I wasn't up for it he blocked me from Facebook and I've never seen or heard from him  since. 
I think the guy is an arsehole. He knew I wasn't right. He knew I was vulnerable. He used me and then discarded me when he didn't get what he wanted. If I ever see him again I'd like to slap him.
If I hadn't been ill I'm sure I wouldn't have got into that situation. When you're not feeling 100% it's much more difficult to read situations and things can get confused or distorted. Something else I'm getting better at coping with now.

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