I'm going to die young

 I just read an article about how people with bipolar are more prone to physical illness and are more likely to die younger. Great, something else to look forward to. 

This year has really taken its toll on my physical health. I feel like I've aged about ten years in the last six months. A heart attack is bad enough but I've also had a skin problem that's left my legs looking like I've had chicken pox and a red rash on my neck that looks like my head is about to explode. My eyes are suddenly giving me double vision and my stomach gets so bloated I look like I'm pregnant. I've got bruises and veins popping up here there and everywhere and as for fitness, well I'm trying but I still feel like a lump of jelly. Just to add to my torment I have an emergency hospital appointment tomorrow. I won't go into detail but its really worrying me. My GP must be concerned or he wouldn't have referred me. I suppose all these things are part of getting older but ffs I'm not even that old. I've always tried to be healthy and take care of myself. I am pretty good about looking after myself. I'm careful with my diet try to eat properly. I have always done some sort of exercise and I've looked after my appearance. 

I'm finding it so hard to get motivated to keep fit now. I'm trying to join the gym but because of my heart attack they won't take me unless I do a twelve week rehab class. I'm not doing it. There's no one under the age of 65 and I'm sorry but doing an exercise class with a bunch of seventy year olds is not my idea of feeling good about myself. It looks like I'm going to have to join a gym and lie about my health. Not keen on doing that either but I don't really have a choice. 

I blame medication for a lot of my problems.These things must have long term effects. I try not to worry but it's virtually impossible. I don't think I can cope with anything else. 

Sometimes I  wonder what on earth its all about,  of course it's just part of life. Life really is a bastard at times. Of course I could just be making excuses . I just need to get off my arse and do some exercise.....!