I'm not very well

I'm not very well. I know there's something very wrong but I can't quite figure it out. All I know is that right now I'm tired. Tired of it all. Tired of trying to be everything to everybody. Every minute of every day I'm scared and I don't know why. I wish I could just disappear . I don't want to be here but there's nowhere to go. I don't know what to do. Everything I do frightens me and its exhausting. I want it to stop. If it wasn't for the fact that I'd be letting people down I would pack a suitcase and run away. I want to be left alone but that's impossible. I don't want responsibility and I don't want to be relied on .  

I thought if I got a good nights sleep I might wake up in a better frame of mind but I just woke up crying. I just woke up with an overwhelming sense of doom. I feel as if something really bad is going to happen. My mind is racing. I hate this feeling. I just want to feel normaL. I don't know what to do with myself at the moment. I feel like there's something missing from my life but I don't know what it is. Apart from the trouble with my son, life is ticking along quite nicely without any drama. Maybe that's the problem, maybe I need drama. I'm not used to things going smoothly. I feel on edge. 
Maybe it's the calm before the storm. I'm always expecting something bad to happen. I'll go back to bed. Maybe I can try to start the day again later.
I can't quite believe I wrote that. I do feel differently now, thank goodness. I still sometimes find it difficult to come to terms with how quickly my feelings and moods change. I don't feel great now but I've lost that feeling of doom. I think things are getting better :-)