Monday, 22 July 2013

I don't want to have Bipolar

I want to write about something positive but I can't think of anything. This is what this shit thing called bipolar does. It takes every ounce of happiness and makes life a fucking misery. I am trying so hard to pull myself out of it but its just not happening. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm sick of feeling like this. 
Last night I spent the evening with my best friend and her youngest son and his girlfriend. Three of my favourite people. It did cheer me up for a bit but it didn't change anything. I still cried all the way home.
I can't get the bad thoughts out of my head. I can't see how I'm going to get myself out of it this time. I've done everything I can and still they're there. I feel sick.
I'm going to lose my job. I know it. I know I'm good at what I do when I'm well but I just can't do it all the time. I'm not just scared of going to work, I'm terrified. I'm terrified that something will go wrong and it will be my fault. I can't do that to people. I can't put others at risk because I'm not feeling right. This job was supposed to give me a purpose in life. All it's doing is turning me into a wreck. All I want to do is wake up in the morning and go to work. Instead I am up most of the night worrying and imagining all sorts of horrific things. Wether I manage to keep my job or not I'm fucked. 
I'm pretty useless at the moment. I look like shit and even with all the effort I can muster I still look like shit. What's the point of spending hours trying to make yourself look nice when you still end up looking crap? It took me three hours to get up and ready yesterday and when I looked in the mirror I may as well not have bothered. I look old and ugly. 
I wish I could make myself go manic. It doesn't work like that though. I could try coming off my meds but I'm too scared. I just want to feel normal. 
If I was reading this and it was someone else who'd written it , I'd be giving all sorts of advice but its not that simple. I really can't help how I feel and I really can't help what goes through my mind. It's so unfair. I've had quite a while being "stable" so I guess it's inevitable for me to have some sort of episode. Fucking hell. 
I'm not stupid but I feel stupid for not being able to control what's in my head. I have all this knowledge and yet it's useless. I know what's wrong with me so I should be able to deal with it. 
I'm so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life but they can't live it for me. They can't get inside my head and sort it out. 
I don't want to be all doom and gloom. That's why I think it's best to stay away from people. It's not fair to make them miserable too. There's nothing worse than being happy and some miserable fucker comes along and puts the mockers on it. 
I know I seriously need some help at the moment. It's getting to the point where I don't see the point. I've tried so hard to keep it together and I still can't manage to stay on top. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to have bipolar.I hate my life and I can't work out how to make it right again.

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