Thursday, 18 July 2013

I really am trying

I should feel proud of myself for being able to keep on top of things and manage to keep going despite all the stuff that's gone on in my life but instead I'm dreading the day it all comes caving in on me. I sometimes feel like its inevitable for things to come to a head and for me to find it impossible to cope anymore. I always feel like I'm so close to breaking down. I have to use all my strength to stop myself from saying " fuck it" and just giving up. I don't want to give up but I'm not sure if I've got the energy to carry on. I'm still way to anxious at the moment. I feel jumpy and nervous about everything. Even the simplest of things seem like a real chore and I'm still convinced that something really bad is going to happen. I know it's my mind playing tricks on me. If I take a step back and think things through then I know that my mood is low, so that's why I'm so negative....I just can't seem to stop it. Wouldn't it be great if you could just think yourself happy?  
I'm trying to do all the things I've been taught, like keep to a routine, do some exercise, talk to friends. I'm lucky that I know these things help but I still can't help feeling sorry for myself. I hate myself for that. I don't want to be that type of person. I want to be happy. 
I feel guilty because I've got a whole lot of things that some people will never have, like a wonderful family, great friends, a home, a job, yet I still feel miserable most of the time. Maybe I'm just plain selfish.
I'm sure people get fed up with me. I don't blame them...I would. I'm getting fed up with myself. I feel guilty because I shouldn't feel the way I do. 
I've sort of got used to the feeling down side of things and even though its not nice I know it will eventually pass. It's the feeling overly anxious and imagining horrible things that I'm finding really hard to deal with. I've never really had it before and it's frightening me. The most horrific  thoughts seem to pop into my head and even though I know they're ridiculous, they seem so real at the time. I'm not really sure what to do at the moment. I just have to get on with it I suppose. I wish there really was a magic pill to make you feel normal.

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