Thursday, 11 July 2013


When I think back to before I was diagnosed and when I really wasn't good at recognising what was happening to me there is a guy I think about and wish I could have the chance to make it right.
I'd been away for Christmas and was feeling depressed and I didn't want to go back to work. 
When I did go back to work we had a new physio student . The first time I met Mike I didn't like him at all. Yes he was good looking but I thought he was cocky and arrogant. The first time I went out on a home visit with him I completely changed my mind. He was a bit unsure of himself yet so easy to talk to and funny. I really liked him. He was with us for three months and I enjoyed every minute of him being there. I enjoyed having male company. My mood definitely changed from depressed to upbeat. I looked forward to going to work and I looked forward to chatting to him. We really did have some in depth conversations. I can't lie, I did fancy him but it really wasn't about that. I was married and he had a girlfriend. There was an attraction there though and I'm sure it wasn't just me. We definitely had a connection. He paid attention to me and made me feel good. We talked about everything. 
I didn't realise at the time but I think I became a bit obsessed, no, totally obsessed. I thought we were true friends and that we would stay friends forever. Nothing ever happened between us , just a quick kiss and a bit of a fumble on a works night out. I was paralytic drunk and I'm sure if he'd have wanted to it would have gone further. I cringe now at the way I must have behaved. To anyone else my obsession was obvious. My husband made loads of comments about how I fancied the I made loads of comments about how I fancied the physio!  He said later he was sure I'd been having an affair. I'm sure my work colleagues noticed how we spent so much time together, laughing and joking and mucking about. They used to refer to him as "Lynns' Mike". 
It was when he left that things got out of hand. I missed him being there, simple as that. Trouble was I began thinking about him all of the time. I constantly tried to think of ways to keep in touch. I sent him long emails about how I felt. It wasn't normal behaviour. It was almost bordering on stalking. For someone supposedly so sensible, I was acting like a prat. He was pleasant enough but obviously not that bothered and tried to put me off. It made me  ill and I couldn't really tell anyone. I never wanted anything from him but to be a friend. I honestly don't remember how it came to a conclusion because I became too ill. When I think back I feel guilty for giving him such shit and probably making him feel really awkward. I'd never have normally done that. I'm usually quite in tune with other people's feelings. I feel a fool. If I ever met him again I would apologise as I'm sure that if I'd have acted normally we would probably have stayed friends .
I feel sure that I'd gone from depressed to a bit manic and that's why I acted the way I did. Now I'm much more in tune with my moods and feelings. I know that it's easy to become obsessed with people or things and I am better equipped to deal with it......well I think I am. 

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