Friday, 2 August 2013

I wish I could explain

I wish I could explain how it is without making it sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. Life just seems so unbearable at the moment. I feel like I'm in pain yet there's nothing physically wrong with me. I really don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying to look at things logically. I'm an intelligent woman and I know that bipolar is an illness that doesn't stay constant. I've been really well for a long time now so it's Sod's law that at some point something would change. I know that changing medication has to have an effect. I know so much about bipolar and how to manage it yet I'm making the biggest hash of it and I really can't help it. I feel useless and I feel scared. I feel scared that I won't be able to get back to that person who copes and smiles and enjoys life. I can't explain how difficult it is to do even the smallest task. Having a bath and getting dressed seems like such a huge thing. It doesn't matter what anyone says or does, it doesn't matter how hard I try to think about it. I can't " snap " out of it. It's ridiculous. 
I keep telling myself that things will get better but a huge part of me can't see how on earth that's going to happen. When I went to bed last night I imagined all the things I was going to do today. Wasn't anything spectacular, just tidy up a bit. I didn't do anything. I woke up at mid day and it took me pretty much until tea time to have a bath and get dressed. I can't work out how something so simple turns into something so complicated. I seem to spend hours wandering around not knowing quite what to do. It's so frustrating.
I know I have to take it one day at a time. I can't even imagine going to work or going on holiday. I can't even imagine going shopping. 
I wish there was a way to make people understand but obviously you can never understand something unless you've lived it. I feel so guilty because it all seems so selfish. My life is good yet it feels worthless at the moment. 
Tomorrow I'm going to try and at least tidy one room. Sounds pathetic but that's what I need to do....give myself one small goal each day.
I've started back  on the medication I was on before my heart attack. It worked well and helped keep me stable for a long time. It's not good for my heart but after long discussions with my doctors we decided the benefits outweigh the risks. So all I can hope is that it starts working again and I get back to some normality. 
I do feel so guilty. I hate the thought of letting people down yet I know I'm doing it all the time. I will always be grateful to the people that have stuck by me. That means more than anything. There are people who I know that avoid me when I'm like this. I don't blame them, I would probably be the same. I wouldn't know what to say or do. I know I push people away when I'm like this but I really don't mean to. I don't always want to see people or talk to people but it doesn't mean I don't care deep down. My true friends don't need to say or do anything really. They are just there and that gives me hope.

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