Thursday, 15 August 2013

How hard can it be?

How hard can it be to just get up and get yourself ready for the day ahead? I can't do it. I don't know why. I just can't face another day of wandering around aimlessly. I can't stop crying. I don't really know why I'm crying. It's everything. Everything is overwhelming. I just can't do it, whatever "it" is. I thought by now that things would be getting easier. I thought the tablets would kick in and I would feel better. Well I don't. When I talk to people I say I'm feeling a bit better because its the easiest thing to do. What I really want to do is shout  " no I'm not fucking better". I don't know if I can carry on. I was trying to think of everything good in my life but there's always some obstacle in the way. I can't see a way out this time. I'm not planning on taking my own life even though I think about dying all the time. I couldn't do that to my family. Sometimes I think they'd be better off without me. I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be the funny one, laughing and joking and full of life. I don't mean to let them down . When I talk to my Mum I know she knows but I try to play it down. She's getting old and I should be looking after her, not the other way round. 
I wish someone would do something. I know that's not possible. It's me, I'm the one who has to do something. I just don't know how right now. I'm supposed to be a strong, intelligent, independent woman. Right now I feel like a pathetic , weak, stupid creature.
Whatever happens, I am trying my hardest to beat this and that's all I can do.

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