Wednesday, 21 August 2013

Feeling a Little Better

Today is the first day that I've actually felt a bit better. I still have a long way to go but I feel like I've got a bit of my fight back. I'm nowhere near back to normality but I'm planning things in my head. That's definitely a good sign. I think I've been way too hard on myself. I need to give myself a break. Even without the bipolar, I've had a lot going on lately, which would be enough to stress even the strongest of people out. I'm not superwoman after all.....well only sometimes! 
 I need to get back into a routine. I need to tidy my flat and look after myself. Sounds so basic but I don't think I can even think about work or holiday until I get the everyday things sorted. I've decided to stick with the medication for a bit longer. I don't think it would be wise to try and come off it yet, not now that I've started to feel half human again. I'm still not convinced that its doing me any good in the long term but I can't worry about that now.
It's amazing how my thinking can change so dramatically in just a few days. Last week I really couldn't see an end to it all. It frightens me how my mind works. I still keep crying at the drop of a hat. I've got so many things to do and its overwhelming and frightening. I'm finding it hard to know where to start. I do worry about the future and what will happen to me but for now I need to focus on today. 
Having my son stay with me for the last week has been difficult. It's impossible to get into a routine and that's what I really need. I couldn't turn him away. He came out of prison with nothing but the clothes he was wearing. His flat was repossessed while he was inside and he doesn't want to go back to his girlfriend. He hasn't used heroin for three months and I am really proud of him for that. It's probably the first time in about seven years that I've seen him looking well and able to have a proper conversation. That's definitely something to be thankful for. I feel like I'm on the way to getting my son back. He still has a long way to go. He's still on a small dose of methadone, so he's not completely drug free but this is the furthest he's gone towards getting clean. He has a far harder job than me in order to get some normality. He has to find a job, find somewhere to  live and stay heroin free. I worry that he's inherited bipolar from me. I can't say that I've seen any signs that jump out at me but its hard to tell what someone is really like when they're always drugged up to the eyeballs. Right now he is a thoughtful, polite and nice person to be with, just like he used to be before heroin.That's all I can ask for, only time will tell. He deserves a chance and I will do my best to make sure he gets it.

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