Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Running Away

I wrote this a few days ago...before my son got out of prison and arrived on my doorstep with nowhere to go.

I need to get away from here. If I don't then I really will die. I need to clear my head and I can't do it if I stay here. My mind is so full of crap, all mixed up so I can't work out what's what. I don't want to hurt anybody and if I stay I'll end up hurting everybody. It probably is selfish to up and leave but I have no choice. I need to sort things out and I can't do it here.
I know things wont disappear if I go but it will give me breathing space.There's so much stuff I need to make decisions about and I just can't do it. I feel broken. Maybe if I get away I can try to fix things . It doesn't matter what anyone says, things will never get back to how they were. It's impossible. Once something is done, it's done. I feel ugly on the inside and outside. I feel like damaged goods. I don't think anyone is ever going to want me fully. I need to be able to survive on my own. I need to start again and I can't do it without leaving. I'm no use to anyone at the moment anyway. I've got nothing to give. All I do is take and I hate that. 
I don't know how long it will take. It doesn't mean I won't come back. Maybe it won't be any different but I feel like this is my last chance to try and make things better. I don't want to be this way. I need to work out what I've done wrong to get me where I am and what I can do to put it right. All I can do is try.

I obviously can't go if I have my son here. I don't know if I really would have gone. I often feel like running away but that's different, what I'm talking about is making a fresh start. I'm getting suffocated by doctors and pills and people. I just want to be me again. I want to be happy and at the moment I'm not.

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